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John Lindsey
31st July 2002, 23:35
I tried to find some good examples of these on the net, but they sucked. So, I tried to come up with a few myself:

You know you are in a Redneck dojo when...

1. They use bondo to fix broken saya.
2. The keikogi patch is really a Skoll can emblem.
3. The Sensei uses a sword rack in his pickup truck.
4. A photo of David Allen Coe is hanging near the kamiza.
5. Your clothes closet poll doubles as your Rokushaku bo.
6. You start off as a ‘white bungee cord’.
7. Kami are former members of the Soviet Union, and CNN employees.
8. Your Buddhist statue looks very similar to the Big Boy Restaurant symbol.
9. You practice Ukemi off of a mechanical bull.
10. O Sensei refers to Elvis.
11. You actually enjoy watching Ronald Duncan videos.
12. Your keikogi is your old Klan uniform.
13. Mediation is called a Jap Nap.

Soulend
1st August 2002, 00:05
14. Kata are performed to the strains of the 'boot scoot boogie'

15. Mouth guards are unneccesary, as no one has any teeth to protect.

16. The explanation of all bunki always starts with 'somebody grabs you by your overalls...'

17. The sensei wears ostrich-skin tabi.

18. Instead of ringing a bell to start or close the meditation period, they ring the spitoon.

19. There is a rebel flag in the kamidana.

20. Chado is demonstrated using Lipton 'sun tea'.

Steven Malanosk
1st August 2002, 03:23
Ok, now this is gonna sound funny, but its all fact.

My Hombu dojo is on my ranch, behind my house, and takes up 1/2 of my barn.

Student soju consists of sweeping up the rat turds, swabing the deck of dirt and mud that may have been dragged in, when my wife or daughter, take the short cut, through the dojo, and of course, brown recluse spider web detail.

If a student cant pay the mat fee, they can shovel the stalls of my 9 horses out.

I am personally responsible, for a multitude of pick up trucks, driving around with GoJu fists, in their back window.

Of the 3 teachers, of my teacher "Sensei Peter Urban," Oyama Sosai, is the most venerated by many of my students. "The bull story gets them every time."

My students sometimes miss class, because of 4H meetings or rodeos.

My dojo has sposored 4H swine in competition.

The vendors, at the local Gun Shows usually call me Kyoshi or Sensei.

I am sometimes reffered to as The Urban Cowboy, and my teacher, when speaking to us via organizational video tape, starts off with Oss! Ya'll!

I have more training space, on the grounds that my dojo is on, than anyone you know.

But I do go back to NYC once a year, to maintain my insanity...... :up:

Son of Thunder
1st August 2002, 03:57
21. Hojojutsu is practiced using duct tape.

22. Your shoge is made of a buck knife and a roll of duct tape.

23. You know how to say "duct tape" in Japanese.

24. You can add more items to this list involving the use of duct tape.

monkeyboy_ssj
2nd August 2002, 11:57
1. When your sensei grades you on Chewi Backi Jutsu.

the art of chewing tabbacco and making it go 'pua-ting!' when spat out.

2. Your uniform involves a baseball cap with 'eat at joes' on it.

3. Your bo's and jo's have a rake & trowl attachment.

4. Instead of breaking bricks and boards you see how many beer cans you can crush on your head.

5. You only do things in sets of 5 because thats as high as your sensei can count.

6. your Kiai (shout) is 'hyic hyic hyic'

7. Your vesion of UFC is the 3 stooges.

laters

Matt Boxall

Evan London
2nd August 2002, 12:56
1) You can't practice block breaking because all the blocks are holding up old pickup trucks in front of the dojo.

Sean T. Fourkiller
4th August 2002, 02:08
25. The instructor uses his kaginawa to catch fish with after class :D

Steven Malanosk
4th August 2002, 13:27
When Soke Billy Bob, is "literally" head of the FAMILY.

Where PapaSan and MamaSan, are SisterSan and BrotherSan.

John Lindsey
18th December 2003, 17:19
This thread is too funny to give up on, so I wanted to give it a bump...

monkeyboy_ssj
18th December 2003, 17:53
You practice your locks on the contents of a Family Bucket of chicken.

Seme or Uke always refers to how you are going to tie a hog.

Belts are made from bits of Beef Jerky glued together.

You don't call it a dojo...you call it a Rodeo...

Cheers

Budd
18th December 2003, 18:40
To spare the expense of buying a bug zapper, everyone practices catching flies and mosquitos with a pair of chopsticks.

Shoes are left outside the dojo, not in respect for Japanese tradition, but to prevent tracking manure and mud inside.

Moonshine is an acceptible substitute for sake.

"Gosh!" is an acceptible substitute for "Osu!"

You spend a class learning about "Zen and the Tractor-Pull".

Tea ceremonies involve lots of sweetner.

Locals mistakenly refer to the "Banjo Dojo", when they mean "hombu".

Prince Loeffler
19th December 2003, 02:55
Your Kiai sounds like this: Yeeeeehaaaaaa !

Instead of colored belt, you get a cowhide belt with a huge silver belt buckle that indicate your rank.






:D

Mekugi
19th December 2003, 04:13
You actually know what Horse-Car is and it's a part of your training

You tend to say :"Ya'all don't forget to Key-eye now, Ya hear"

"Hunter orange" is worn in the dojo.

"Billy Bob Joe sensei" is a common name.

You can't tell the difference between Japanese and Chinese names, Culture and food and you really don't care.

You have a black belt because you are filthy, not because you earned it.

Hunting season is a dojo holiday.

"Them there Japanesers" is something you use in dojo conversation.

You have the 4H Symbol on your Uwagi.

The training is sometimes interupted because the cow got out....again

You dojo doubles as a moonshine still.

A picture of General Lee is on the shomen.

The dojo has a "mud room" at the entrance.

You call cattle roping Hojo-jutsu.

Chickens fly through the Dojo.

Your tatami is canvas over barkdust (no fooling....they did that in Oregon and Washington)

Mekugi
19th December 2003, 06:35
When your Dan is higher than the grade you finished in school.

Your Uwagi is made of Denim.

You have to remind people to "please take off their coboys hats" after dressing down.

You have defenses against people armed with cowboy boots.

Rolling Breakfalls are done over the farm equipment.

You call your harvest sickle a "kama"

Your red-neck clashes with your white uwagi.

Your dojo has an annual squaredance.

You demonstrate at the Country Fair at the "Toto" intermission.

Dojo flyers are passed out with the latest dates of your country band.

During summer breaks the dojos are closed because everyone is working on their family farms.

The dojo tatami have oil stains on them from your pickup truck that you park there at night.

You call calf wrestling "Cowboy Karate" (they do in Oregon....)

You have to ask people to please spit their chaw out before practice.

Your Family tree does not branch...and it's not the lineage of your martial art.

Brian Owens
19th December 2003, 07:19
The girls get to pick their uke on Sadie Hawkins Day.

Instead of a Grandmaster you have a Grand Imperial Wizard.

Everybody arrives for class in an F-Series pickup,
except sensei who has an old El Camino with steer's horns on the hood.

nicojo
19th December 2003, 07:27
tameshigiri is practiced on whatever chicken you want to eat for dinner.

you are a redneck budoka if you wonder why husqvarna don't make shinken :saw:

you confuse hakama with chaps

on sun, tues wed and fri you practice Iaido. On mon, thurs, sat you get your 45 and practice "iaido"

instead of Tabi, you wear those three feet long white socks with the red stripe they sell at Big R ( or whatever ranch store)

you get the carhartt gi with the red lining and duck=twill outside...speaking of which, I bet I could sell a load of these for redneck kendoka's...

you have a bug-zapper outside the dojo

hell, if you have one INSIDE the dojo

i better stop there...

Mekugi
19th December 2003, 08:32
Pro-wrestling is played in the dojo as instructional videos.

There is a deer tick hazard in the dojo.

Every October there is a fresh-killed whitetail hanging in the middle of the dojo that everyone practiced "aaahh taymay" on.

Your dan rank outnumbers the teeth you have.

You wear Red, White and Blue Keikogi.

The dojo has a bathroom, the door has a moon cut into it.

A good Kiai is one that is louder than the bleating of the sheep.

Ukemi in the dojo is impossible because of all the cow patties.

"Bubba Budo" sounds like a good name for a newsletter.

Even though you know how to pronounce every term correctly, you still have such a thick accent no one understands you.

There are a fleet of hounds sleeping under the dojo.

Your idea of budo mysticism is the farmers almanac.

You think Tai Chi is a great name for a restaurant.

Your idea of Asian remedies starts with granny's poultices.

You think the 7 Samurai is a rip off of the Magnificent 7.



('nough said....for NOW MYAAHAHAHAHAAA)

;)

-Russ

G. Zepeda
19th December 2003, 14:09
...Finishing your pre-class warmup involves downing a fifth of whiskey...

Budd
19th December 2003, 15:25
The dojocho is always referred to as, "Boss".

william northcote
20th December 2003, 00:45
How about the UK equivelent...

Your dojo is a garage in your friends garden.

The kamada is a flat pack design form the local hardware store and attached to a wall on an obtuse angle

The kick bag is a hessian sack.

The sensei pulls up in a ford Cortina.

The rest pull up looking like drug dealers.

When the kids class do knife work, most still have butter on it.

Your Kiai is "Eyup lass" or "Whooooja lookin' at"

Instructional videos are from Steven Segal or Jet Li.

Your training wear is Manchester Utd soccer club.

Your Gi is made of old bedsheets.

You accapt anyone to train as long as you can have them at brown belt for 6 years.

You don't pay taxes.

Your staple diet is McD's or pizza.

Mekugi
20th December 2003, 00:55
They do that here too...;)

Originally posted by G. Zepeda
...Finishing your pre-class warmup involves downing a fifth of whiskey...

Mekugi
20th December 2003, 01:09
Sure you like Sushi-for bait.

You commonly equate zen with farm animals.

Your Dojo is next door to your triple wide.

You call your Uwagi a "Fancy Gettup"

There is a sign outside your dojo that says "No Coloreds".

Your student registry has at least five people named "Bubba".

You won't do Judo or Jujutsu because you're anti-semetic.

You have a rank called "The Bible Belt"

You attest that grits, collared greens and okra are traditional Japanese foods.

Your uwagi is still bloody from "The hawg you done butchered" before class.

You use "The Dukes of Hazard" as an allegory about self defense.