View Full Version : 20 different types of posters on E-budo

27th August 2002, 18:36
I found this post (http://forum.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15682) at Kungfu Online and thought if we modified it for JMA it would fit perfectly. Enjoy



The moderator will tell everyone that they own the board, whether they do or not. It’s the Internet equivalent of an old man in a sports car; “come back to my place baby and I’ll show you my message board”. The moderator’s always on a power trip and constantly looking for any excuse to exercise their authority, just to let everyone know who’s boss (as if people care)! Of course, the power never goes to their head, oh no, just like that other bloke, what was his name? Adolf something?


Everyone begins their message board life as a ‘newbie’ and traditionally pop their posting cherry with a ‘hello, I’m new’ thread. On some E-budo boards the more courteous members reply with a welcoming response, whilst on others the reply is simply “piss off” (if it’s a local board for local people). Female newbies traditionally get a much more welcoming response than the males (particularly if their username has the word ‘babe’ ‘littlemiss’ or a name with any sexual reference).


The wannabe master is the next Jigoro Kano don’t you know, they’re going to be as big as Bruce Lee, only all they need is a break. The wannabe master got their first grading 6 months ago, they have a God given talent and they know all there is to know about MAs already. They have a great weapons collection (a set of nunchakus and a pair of sais from when Ninja Turtles were popular) and are capable of kicking some serious ass. The wannabe master is also very versatile and is capable of an impressive performance of the first three Samurai Karate katas they know. The wannabe master is going to be the next big thing, their best mate who saw him spar with some guy says so .


Being rude on the Internet just doesn’t get boring for the arsehole. They aim to abuse and offend. However, the arsehole usually only has a few insulting phrases in their vocabulary, which they repeat over and over again until they’re either embarrassed into leaving, or when their mother says it’s time for a bath. Usually the arsehole is quiet and shy in person so perhaps if we paid them more attention in real life then they wouldn’t feel the need to show off on a message board and release all the inbound aggression they have pent up in the real world?


The in-crowd are a select cliquey group of friends that you’ll find on any MA message board. The in-crowd stick together like dog ¤¤¤¤ on a shoe, sharing their in-jokes and special phrases that only they understand. On some MA boards the in-crowd can be offensive, ganging up in unison on the defenceless ‘victim’. Together, members of the in-crowd act clever, cocky and arrogant. However by themselves they're a different person, without their fellow in-crowd members behind them to back them up.


The victim is ruthlessly ganged up and picked on by the ‘in-crowd’ and ‘arsehole’ of a message board for their own amusement. Everything the victim says is twisted and turned around to be used against them. The victim often doesn’t help themselves by putting up messages leaving them wide open for abuse and digs deeper holes with lame replies giving their tormenters more fuel for their fire of abuse.


She is just like the dominant female in a group of chimps. The dominant female lets all the new boys follow her around and sniff her bum. However, this is to the displeasure of the other females in the group who secretly don’t like it but rarely confront her, instead choosing to just scream and beat their chests. The dominant female gets to parade around the board like she owns the place with all the randy adolescent chimps following her, showing off and praising her in the hope they'll get laid (though they rarely do).


The gash magnet is sometimes funny, sometimes cool, sometimes mysterious and sometimes a MA instructor. Though whatever characteristics the Gash magnet displays they all make the girls drool like a happy cat who assumes the position of a dog on heat whenever they post anything. They also all have the ability to act like they just don’t know they’re good looking and they’d rather not get so much female attention because it makes them feel ’uncomfortable’ - honest! The gash magnets often act all modest and coy in their posts, but it doesn’t mean they’re embarrassed, oh no, it means, “More! Tell me you want to shag me again! More attention! More! More!”. Sometimes they shag the ‘dominant female’.


The attention seeker displays an over-inflated sense of self-importance on the board and as far as they’re concerned it is all about them. Their topics consist of what they’re wearing at the weekend, what they had for breakfast, what colour socks they’re wearing today and anything else they can think of about themselves with a deluded belief that anyone cares. The attention seeker tries to outdo everyone else and they have a unique ability to twist any post into a story about themselves.


The clowns all had funny dads in that ‘dad’ way, hence the constant puns. The clown finds it virtually impossible to post anything without it having a naff gag in it, and when they find themselves in a serious thread they’re out of there faster than a Talib in Texas. In real life the clown is either as irritating as they are on the board, or they never shut-up and it’s impossible to get a word in edgeways. The clown’s ability to make a joke out of anything means they keep the message board moving, so, unlike in the real world, they do kinda serve a purpose on the board.


Not interested in the serious posts, the general chit-chat or the complete random bollocks posts the spammer is only on the board to promote their product/style/kwoon. They fail to see the appeal of message boards, or understand the goings on, yet to them a MA board is an opportunity to seize free advertising and try and attract people to their kwoon/business. All of the spammers posts will be about their products/dojo and they never give up despite constantly seeing their threads drop to the bottom of the page and into Internet oblivion without a single reply. To their credit however, the spammer has a God-given talent to find a link with the theme of any topic to a “Free MA demonstration at Chinatown” which their dojo just so happens to be participating in.


The social animal knows everyone on the message board, not only that they know everyone’s real name, their mother’s maiden name and the name of each members first childhood pet. The social animal is on the board 24/7 and have amassed over 10,000 posts in the last year. Their whole life revolves around the Internet and if there’s a meet-up anywhere in the country it’s guaranteed they will be there. The worst thing that could happen to the social animal would be if they lost their Internet access or were forced to miss a meet-up. If this was to ever occur it would be advisable to remove the bottles of paracetemol and razor blades from the social animal’s bathroom.


When the sheep started MA they went in a gi and Karate Kid style headband to Samurai Karate, then they were a High kicking TKD practitioner. However, now some people on the board have said that TKD is shte and Samurai Karate is a McDojo so now the sheep have gone in two different directions. Some of the sheep now have long hair and are wearing loose silk clothing, practicing slow, bastardised Aikido. The other herd of sheep are into Shintaido, - 'it’s a genuine formidable JMA', though of course in 6 months time they’ll be slating that when someone from the board says it’s crap. The sheep are incapable of making their own decisions and will scour the board looking to see what’s cool, and what’s not, then jump onto whatever bandwagon comes along next.


The history buff knows everything there is to know about the lineage of every system and is fountain of useless historical MA information. The Lineage buff will take great pride in telling anybody who will listen who really invented the rare "green eyebrow" form of an obscure system founded by a master nobody’s ever heard 600 years ago. The history buff thinks that by writing massive long winded posts, with loads of big words, that fellow board users will see how knowledgeable and intellectual they are. Though what usually happens is people can’t be arsed to read their messages and will just scroll down and read the next reply on the thread.


The Sleaze is on the message board for one purpose and one purpose only…to get a shag. When a new female member joins the board they’re as happy as a pedophile in Mothercare and immediately make the first contact with Private Messages welcoming them to the board. The Sleaze believes being so quick off the mark will be the only way to get in the new girls knickers before more good looking, witty and less sleazy board members notice the new member’s presence. Within a few weeks the new girl has blocked the sleaze from MSN and the sleaze moves on to his next target, still hoping to lose his virginity before he reaches 30.


Many message boards have a "bike", and everyone (except ‘the sleaze’) has had a ride. The bike is dirty, filthy and has no inhibitions. She will happily reveal all her seediest and most embarrassing sexual encounters on the board without showing a hint of embarrassment. The bike’s aim is to shag as many blokes on the board as possible and the guys love her whilst the girls hate her. The only trouble with riding the bike is that she’ll put a post up about it the next day going into explicit details about her shag with you.


The Aikido hippie loves nature, they love everyone, they love the trees, the stars and they love the fluffy wuffy wittle bunny rabbits. Even if their sensei stopped in the middle of performing their favourite form and declared them a sad bastard over the PA system to a Aikido convention then they'd still be smiling, jolly and floating around slow as a sedated three-toed sloth. The Aikido hippie is often new to MA and in the honeymoon period. In a few years they become ‘the cynic’.


The cynic has been there, done that and got the t-shirt; or so they say. They sneer at everything; Kungfu’s not as good as it used to be, the instruction’s not as good as it used to be, the message board’s not as good as it used to be, the Ki isn’t as good as it used to be . If anyone ever has anything positive to say about MA, the cynic will always meet it with a negative response; “nah you don’t know what real MA is, real MA was Osaka in the 50's, much better than the Sheeat you’re going on about”. The cynic deserves pity for hanging onto the idealism of the past, and what does ‘having fun’ mean again?


The troll is on the board to wreak havoc and cause sheeat. They’re either a member of the board under a different name, or from a ‘rival’ board looking to sting the ‘enemy’. The troll will post deliberately controversial topics (like ‘Kungfu is ¤¤¤¤’ or ‘all gay people should be shot’) to try and get a reaction. Despite their valiant attempts however usually the only people to rise to the bait are ‘the Aikido hippie’, who will say that we all should love each other, and ‘the victim’, who falsely believes that by getting on their moral high horse they’ll win friends. A successful troll will get members of a board arguing amongst themselves, though usually the troll is a witless 15 year old school kid with too much time on their hands during half term.


On any MA message board, at any given time, there will always be a number of ‘guests’. The guest isn’t registered and they never post, instead all they do is read. But who are the guests? Nobody knows for sure. Perhaps they’re MAs biding their time before they join up? Or they could be MA instructorsindustry reading the MAs’ opinions? Maybe they’re the police seeing what MAs get up to? Or are they dirty old men masturbating over the photos of young girls in silky clothes? Paranoid? You should be!

DISCLAIMER: This piece is tongue-in-cheek and not to be taken seriously, none of the stereotypes are based on any specific person, but merely accentuate the common characteristics seen from many MA message board users. No animals were hurt in the making of this article, though we mugged an old lady in order

Charlie Kondek
28th August 2002, 13:38
This is pretty frickin' funny. I think I'm a cross between the aikido hippy and the social animal.

20th September 2003, 21:34
I agree completly

21st September 2003, 00:26
Gee ... I feel left out .... there was one for everyone but me?

Oh well ... maybe another thread.

Diane Mirro
21st September 2003, 00:51
It's great when we can laugh at ourselves!

Diane Mirro, AKA Moderator (On the OTHER board)/Dominant Female/Attention-Seeking Aikido Hippie Clown-Turned-Cynic and Secret Wannabe Master--or is that Mistress?

21st September 2003, 03:27
I'm just networking to get embarrassing photos of you all.

21st September 2003, 07:02
hmmm....I don't fit in any of those categories:rolleyes:

Mike Williams
21st September 2003, 08:11
Damn, none of the descriptions fit me. Except no. 8.


Mr. Magnet.

21st September 2003, 11:04
Originally posted by bruceb
Gee ... I feel left out .... there was one for everyone but me?
Oh well ... maybe another thread.

Attention Seeker.

21st September 2003, 15:44
I think I'm classed more as a guest than anything else. I've been registered for quite a while, but have a really low post count. Perhaps the registered version of "guest" could be "lurker"... That would be about right for me :)

21st September 2003, 15:47
Ooooh ... If I dood it I goin' to get a whippin' ...... I dood it!

J.T. Hurley
22nd September 2003, 02:55
I think I'm the Aikido Cynic. 17 1/2, maybe?