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Genex
28th October 2002, 16:41
Mine well here goes...
I used to be into necro-sadistic-beastiality until i realised i was just flogging a dead horse....
Ah-thankyou

a close second is what is brown and sounds like a bell?
Dunnnnnnnnggg!

i shall now depart under a hail of rotten tomatoes...
pete ;)

Mike Williams
28th October 2002, 17:05
A man walks into a bar with a newt on a lead. The barman says "that's an unusual pet, what's his name?" "Tiny" the man says. "Oh, why do you call him that?" asks the barman....


..."Because he's my newt!"


Whoooooooooohahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Cheers,

Mike

Aegis
28th October 2002, 17:27
Two men walk into a bar....


You'd think one would have seen it!!


Groans now people!

Soulend
28th October 2002, 23:15
Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his d**k was stuck in the chicken!

:rolleyes:


* Gets pulled off stage with gargantuan hook as crowd boos loudly *

Janin
29th October 2002, 01:27
What do you get when you cross a Watch and a Dog


A WATCHDOG!!


Knock Knock

Whos there

Boo
Boo Who

Well you don't have to cry about it!



:D

spence20
29th October 2002, 02:48
This guy's walking down the street when he sees, coming towards him, a bloke who, instead of a head, has an orange. Obviously, the guy is somewhat surprised by this, so he has to satisfy his curiosity and as the orange-headed bloke approaches, he stops him.
"I'm sorry," he says, "but I have to ask. Why on earth do you have an orange for a head."
"Well," says the orange guy, "It's a long story mate, but I'll try and keep it short. One day, I'm walking along and, on the ground, I see a lamp. I pick it up, rub it, and out comes this genie."
"Oh right," says the guy.
Orange-head continues. "So the genie says, 'I've been trapped in that lamp for 3,000 years and you've freed me! For that I'll give you three wishes!'"
"So what was your first wish," he asked.
"First of all I wished I was the richest guy in the world," the bloke answered.
"And were you?"
"Oh yeah," comes the reply.
"And second?"
"Second, I wanted to be irresistable to women," he says.
"And were you?"
"Oh yeah," comes the reply.
"So what in God's name," the guy asks, "was your third wish?"
Well," he says, "I wished for an orange for a head."

Da-dum tsch!

Waka-waka-waka!! :D

Aegis
29th October 2002, 09:36
Q. What's Pick and Fluffy?

A. Pink Fluff!


Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A Stick.


Q. How do you confuse an Irishman?

A. Put him into a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.


Q. How else do you confuse an Irishman?

A. Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.


Q. How do you burn an Irishman's ear?

A. Phone him while he's ironing.



Nuff for now methinks......

Genex
29th October 2002, 11:53
Okay, two ariels meet on a roof and fall in love and get married, the cerimony was crap but the reception was brilliant!

A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the old west, he hops up to the bar and drawls "I'm lookin' f'the man who shot mah paw"

I bought some HP sauce the other day, its costing me 6p a month for the next two years...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are
about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and
smiling, he says to her.
"Honey, would you give me a blow job??"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!"
"No, no and no"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you .."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and
the girl's sister
shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a
sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I
can do it. Or if need
be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But
for ***** sake, tell
him to take his hand off the intercom."

Lol sorry cant help it.
If you pay me enough i might just stop...
pete

hakuda
1st November 2002, 00:36
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He felt crumby!!!

I have to thank my kids for that one.

Kimpatsu
1st November 2002, 07:24
What is sex?
Sex is what South Effricans keep their coal in.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
American.

What is the difference between Australia and a bowl of yogurt?
The yogurt is a living culture.

New Zealand: Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous.

What do Canadians call a flannel shirt?
Lingerie.

There's only three things wrong with the Americans: They're overpaid, oversexed, and over here.

(Now that lot should make me a few new enemies. :D )

Soulend
1st November 2002, 09:12
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
What is sex?
Sex is what South Effricans keep their coal in.


LOL..that's funny. I can almost hear the Afrikaaner accent..

Kimpatsu
1st November 2002, 14:03
Thank you, David. At last! A fan!
To join the Tony Kehoe fan club, send $10,000 in unmarked bills to PO Box 7145, Otis, California, in a brown envelope marked "God".
Remember, I have the photos with the cheerleaders and the billy goats... ;)

Bob Blackburn
1st November 2002, 14:24
What do you have when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundred Sows-n-bucks

PeteBoyes
1st November 2002, 14:44
What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine ?


A Flat Miner.

Kimpatsu
1st November 2002, 16:12
The worst joke I know is Dubya as president. It's not even funny!
And the punchline? He didn't even win the most votes...

NumeroUno
2nd November 2002, 21:50
Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

PwarYuex
4th November 2002, 07:03
Did I tell 'ya the joke about the wall???
....
Nah, you'd never get over it...

:rolleyes:

Rogier
6th November 2002, 11:19
REAL SCOTSMEN WEAR KILTS because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!

Jim_Jude
8th December 2002, 11:29
A little boy runs to his father's study one morning & says,"Daddy, Daddy, guess how old I am today?"
"I don't know", the father says. "How old are you?"
"I'm Seven years old!!!" the boy exclaims.
"Well, you're a big boy! Happy Birthday!", says the father as he ruffles the boy's hair.

The boy runs into the kitchen and asks his Grandmother,"Grandma, Grandma, guess how old I am today?"

"Let's see... hmmmm", his Grandmother say, then she reaches down, unbuttons the boy's pants & begins to eagerly fondle his Bojangles. The boy just stares on wide-eyed.
"You're seven years old."

The boy, suprised, asks,"Grandma, how'd you know that?"

"I heard you tell your father." :eek:


- ^_^

Pork Chop
19th April 2004, 13:14
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants and asks the bar tender for a pint.

The bartender says "Do you realise you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"Yep" replied the man "Its driving me nuts"

..

I liked the South Effrican joke Kimpatsu; reminded me of home *sniff*

william northcote
20th April 2004, 11:27
A man walks into a bar

Ow, said he.

An eskimo takes his snowmobile into the repair shop as it seems to be a bit under the weather. The mechanic looks at it and gives his advice.
"Looks like you've blown a seal"
"No" came the reply "that is ice on my moustache"

What is black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra

I woke up this morning and looked out of the window. I told my wife that some sod had left a car outside on the lawn with no engine and no wheels. She slapped me and said it was the skip I had ordered.

Q.Why do men like to suck a womens nipple during sex?

A. All men are big babies.

Exit stage right ---->>

william northcote
24th July 2004, 22:50
We can not let a good thread like this die... so here is a bad joke.

And no it is not me. Well yeah it is but that is a digression.

And Englishman, scottishman and a Irishman were set adrift in a lifeboat in the midlle of the ocean. They are hungry and nearly dying of thirst along with the usual things that happen in this situation.

There then comes alongside a bottle (as it does) and it is pulled out of the water. One of them decide to open it and Lo, in a blinding light and a puff of purple smoke, a genie appears (figures). The genie grants them all one wish.

The Englishman says that he wants a mansion, loads of beer, women and to live in England happy and content in his own private estate. In a flash, he was gone.

The scottishman decides he wants a lifetime of whiskey, women, a castle, loads of land, sucsess and to live to a old age. And in another and slightly different flash, he too was gone.

The genie looks at the Irishman and asks for his wish.

"Ahh well you see" said he looking at the genie "This ocean is large and I may get bored see. So... I wish to have me two friends back."

Chrono
24th July 2004, 22:54
What do you get when you mix a penis (can I say that?) and a potato?

A dictator. :D



What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

The 1997 World Hide-and-Seek Champion.

Well, the guys at school thought they were funny.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 01:36
Originally posted by Chrono
What do you get when you mix a penis (can I say that?)
Not without looking like a dick. :cool:

Chrono
25th July 2004, 02:50
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Not without looking like a dick. :cool:

That seems to happen a lot. :rolleyes:

PwarYuex
25th July 2004, 03:39
Will's one was similar to this-

There was a rabbit and a bear walking through the forest. The bear had just been mean to the rabbit, and just as the rabbit was about to kick the bear's !!!, a genie appeared.

The genie granted 3 wishes to each.

"Bear, you're the biggest, you go first"
"I wish" said the very horny bear, "that ever bear on that side of the forest *points* was female"
And so it was done.
The rabbit then said "I wish I had a HUGE motorcycle"
And he was sitting on a really big, fast bike.
"No," said the bear "that side of the forest is bigger, I wish every bear on _that_ side of the forest was female *points*"
And it was done.
The rabbit wanted to look cool, so he asked for "a bright red helmet to go with my bike"
And he was wearing a bright helmet, that went with his bike.
"Nah, genie, I want EVERY bear in the forest to be female!"
And it was done.
The rabbit then looked at the bear and said "I wish Bear was gay" and drove off.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 08:59
Originally posted by Chrono
That seems to happen a lot. :rolleyes:
Been pricked once too often have we? That's a bum rap...

william northcote
25th July 2004, 09:47
Two men in another lifeboat in the same ocean as stated earlier, but a bit futher away. Along comes a bottle, floating strangely above the water humming a Chopin tune. (Yes my world is normal, it is just you lot that are surreal).

One of them takes the bottle and as the story goes, opens it up. And Lo, out pops that Genie with the light brown hare.

"As you have released me from the bottle" Boomed the Genie through a pumped up PA system "You can have one wish each".

The first looks round and decides "Well then Genie, as I havn't had a good drink in days, I want the ocean turned into lager".

And so it came to pass that the ocean was now 7.5% vol lager.

The other looked around and starts to shout at the other "You sod, we are now gonna have to pee in the boat".

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 10:53
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Two men in another lifeboat in the same ocean as stated earlier, but a bit futher away. Along comes a bottle, floating strangely above the water humming a Chopin tune. (Yes my world is normal, it is just you lot that are surreal).
One of them takes the bottle and as the story goes, opens it up. And Lo, out pops that Genie with the light brown hare.
"As you have released me from the bottle" Boomed the Genie through a pumped up PA system "You can have one wish each".
The first looks round and decides "Well then Genie, as I havn't had a good drink in days, I want the ocean turned into lager".
And so it came to pass that the ocean was now 7.5% vol lager.
The other looked around and starts to shout at the other "You sod, we are now gonna have to pee in the boat".
Now I know you're taking the piss.
Even though it's just a drop in the ocean.

Mekugi
25th July 2004, 11:49
Why did the monkey fall from the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the chicken fall from the tree?

It was stapled to the monkey.

How do you get a witch pregnant...??

F%#@! her.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 11:54
I think the worst joke is KIXA (http://www.kixa-international.com/page10.html) (formally Kateda).

Mekugi
25th July 2004, 12:07
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
I think the worst joke is KIXA (http://www.kixa-international.com/page10.html) (formally Kateda).
ouch...

BTW...karateka is improper??? What's the right way...


BTW...Jackie Chan Movie called "Spiritual Kung Fu..." his GF'S name is cin-chin...at one point Chin-Chin's rival love interest t Jackiev freaks out because hee keeps saying her name in his delirius coma. She beats his chest and exclaims "All you ever think about is your Chin-Chin."


oyyyyyyyvay

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 12:19
Originally posted by Mekugi
ouch...
BTW...karateka is improper??? What's the right way...
BTW...Jackie Chan Movie called "Spiritual Kung Fu..." his GF'S name is cin-chin...at one point Chin-Chin's rival love interest t Jackiev freaks out because hee keeps saying her name in his delirius coma. She beats his chest and exclaims "All you ever think about is your Chin-Chin."
oyyyyyyyvay
Bollocks to Jackie, then.
The correct term is "karateDOka"; the official grammatical rule is that "-ka" as a suffix for "one who does" is that it must be preceded by "do", as in "Aikidoka", "Sadoka", etc. Given that "karate" is actually an abbreviation of "karatedo", however, I think you should be able to get away with it (and, besides, so many native Japanese speakers say it, too), but when I was at Kyoto University, I had a professor who was a real stickler for grammar and who insisted that "karateka" was just plain wrong; one should ALWAYS say "karatedoka" to be faithful to the rules of Japanese grammar.
I leave it up to you to decide. Just note, however, that the exception appears to apply only to karate; you'd never get away with saying "aikia", for example.

Paul Kerr
25th July 2004, 12:35
But we can say 'gi' Tony, right? :D (Sorry, couldn't resist)

Mekugi
25th July 2004, 12:50
Bullocks to Jackie...heehee.

Karatedoka- that makes perfect sense. I can see how that someone who should thinking scholarly about a subject would stray from nomenclature. Unless one is a total "slabg-swine" like myself.

It's hard for even the natives to know what is right anymore as they have seemingly forgotten everything they memorized in college.
Also, pardon the last post- I really need to stop typing with one hand (I was rubbing my wife's feet, you perverts.)


Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Bollocks to Jackie, then.
The correct term is "karateDOka"; the official grammatical rule is that "-ka" as a suffix for "one who does" is that it must be preceded by "do", as in "Aikidoka", "Sadoka", etc. Given that "karate" is actually an abbreviation of "karatedo", however, I think you should be able to get away with it (and, besides, so many native Japanese speakers say it, too), but when I was at Kyoto University, I had a professor who was a real stickler for grammar and who insisted that "karateka" was just plain wrong; one should ALWAYS say "karatedoka" to be faithful to the rules of Japanese grammar.
I leave it up to you to decide. Just note, however, that the exception appears to apply only to karate; you'd never get away with saying "aikia", for example.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 12:51
Originally posted by Paul Kerr
But we can say 'gi' Tony, right? :D (Sorry, couldn't resist)
No, you can't, Paul, because whereas "karateka" is now accepted (like ra-nuki kotoba) by most Japanese, even is the government won't allow it, "gi" can never be allowed for reasons I have explained previously.
Look, do you know the story of the Star Dust? (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/horizon/2000/vanished.shtml) In 1947, it vanished over the Andes mountains, and many UFO nuts are claiming it was abducted. They rabbit on endlessly about the plane's final message; "STENDEC". What they are overlooking, however, is that the message was not sent as "STENDEC"; it was sent as Morse code, in a series of dots and dashes, thus: ... / - / . / -. / -.. / . / -.-. Looking for clues to the meaning of the message in the romanised "STENDEC" is pointless, because the message (a message is a packet of information the sender wishes to communicate) was not sent in romanised form; it was sent in Morse code. Similarly, looking for why "gi" is unacceptable in romanji is pointless, because the understanding as to its erroneousness doesn't lie in romanji; it lies in the Japanese: “¹’…. Therefore, it is to the Japanese we must turn when seeking answers. And, as I have explained here many times before, the second character can only be called "gi" when it is preceded by another character. Otherwise, it must be read "ki" (or, in onyomi, "chaku"). No exceptions. Thus, "gi" is semantically impossible according to the language of budo: Japanese.
All clear, now?

Gene Williams
25th July 2004, 14:36
But, gi must exist because I wear mine whenever I train.:D

Gene Williams
25th July 2004, 14:50
Once upon a time, the Americans and the British decided to have a war. The Americans got together and said, "Let's shoot from behind walls, hedges, trees, and buildings so the enemy can't see us." The British got together and said, "Hey, we'll wear red and march in straight lines!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 15:07
Originally posted by Gene Williams
Once upon a time, the Americans and the British decided to have a war. The Americans got together and said, "Let's shoot from behind walls, hedges, trees, and buildings so the enemy can't see us." The British got together and said, "Hey, we'll wear red and march in straight lines!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
This is incorrect, because at the time, there were no such things as Americans. They were called "colonials" ('quite properly, too). Then, to demonstrate their lack of English fair play, the colonaials launched sneak attacks upon the honourable British, who wore read and marched in straight lines in the expectation that the colonials would be equally noble. Instead, the colonials cheated, and killed far too many good, honest Brits, so the British withdrew to our archipelago, which, as all know, is the centre of the universe.
For the last two centuries, we have paid for the perfidy and lack of honour of those people who now call themselves "Americans". But our revenge is at hand.
The dumbass Americans finally have the president they deserve.
Too bad the rest of the world deserves so much better.

Gene Williams
25th July 2004, 16:18
You misspelled "red" and "colonials."

shisochin#1
25th July 2004, 16:40
Hell if you want to stand in the open in a red suit you deserve to get shot. There is no such thing as a fair fight.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 23:48
Originally posted by Gene Williams
You misspelled "red" and "colonials."
No, Gene I mistyped "red" and "colonials".
To misspell them, I would have to be mistaken as to their orthography.

Kimpatsu
25th July 2004, 23:50
Originally posted by shisochin#1
Hell if you want to stand in the open in a red suit you deserve to get shot. There is no such thing as a fair fight.
The Marquis of Queensbury would disagree with you on that one.

Bambi
26th July 2004, 00:19
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?








Christopher Walken.




:eek:

Kimpatsu
26th July 2004, 00:29
Originally posted by Bambi
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Ouch! :D

Gene Williams
26th July 2004, 01:49
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
No, Gene I mistyped "red" and "colonials".
To misspell them, I would have to be mistaken as to their orthography.

Then you should proof read or use spellcheck. What a shameful lack of attention to detail:p

Kimpatsu
26th July 2004, 01:57
Originally posted by Gene Williams
Then you should proof read or use spellcheck. What a shameful lack of attention to detail:p
Is there a spellcheck function on this board? :confused:

Chrono
26th July 2004, 02:07
Originally posted by Gene Williams
Then you should proof read or use spellcheck. What a shameful lack of attention to detail:p

If we had spellcheck we wouldn't need Tony. :D

Kimpatsu
26th July 2004, 02:11
Originally posted by Chrono
If we had spellcheck we wouldn't need Tony. :D
You'd still need me for translation purposes.

Gene Williams
26th July 2004, 02:20
Could we translate you back to Zort?:p

Chrono
26th July 2004, 02:22
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
You'd still need me for translation purposes.

True, but then we'd only need you half the time we do now.

Kimpatsu
26th July 2004, 06:32
Originally posted by Chrono
True, but then we'd only need you half the time we do now.
You can't get rid of a good thing.

william northcote
26th July 2004, 07:58
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
You can't get rid of a good thing.

Want to bet? :shot: :saw:

Bill Gallant
26th July 2004, 09:34
A bear and a rabbit are beside each other while shitting in the woods.
The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Does the !!!! stick to your fur?"
The rabbit looks at the bear and says, " No, never".
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wipped his !!! with him!!

Bill Gallant
26th July 2004, 09:40
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
What do Canadians call a flannel shirt?
Lingerie :D )

Let me tell you, when the girl friend wears nothing but a flannel shirt, that IS a real turn on.

william northcote
26th July 2004, 10:14
Originally posted by Bill Gallant
Let me tell you, when the girl friend wears nothing but a flannel shirt, that IS a real turn on.

[Seedy Monty Python impression starting..... Now]

Say no more

[Impression ends]

I'll get me coat

Chrono
26th July 2004, 16:07
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Want to bet? :shot: :saw:

I believe you, Will.

william northcote
27th July 2004, 00:19
Originally posted by Chrono
I believe you, Will.

[Bad Simpsons impression of Monty Burns]

Excellent

[Impression ends over there -----> ]

Chrono
27th July 2004, 02:49
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Excellent


Ok, I'm getting scared now.

william northcote
27th July 2004, 08:07
Good :D

Kimpatsu
27th July 2004, 15:10
Originally posted by Bill Gallant
Let me tell you, when the girl friend wears nothing but a flannel shirt, that IS a real turn on.
Not as much as when she wears a garter belts, stockings, and high heels. Preferably with an ankle bracelet. And then she gets on her knees and...
(Slobba slobba.. can't continue typing...)
:cool:

Chrono
27th July 2004, 16:02
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Not as much as when she wears a garter belts, stockings, and high heels. Preferably with an ankle bracelet. And then she gets on her knees and...
(Slobba slobba.. can't continue typing...)
:cool:

Dang, Tony. I think it's time you got a girl.

Kimpatsu
27th July 2004, 16:46
Originally posted by Chrono
Dang, Tony. I think it's time you got a girl.
I saw the ultimate jailbait on the train today. She can't have been more than 15YO, but she was wearing a pushup bra, reaaaaly short shorts, an ankle bracelet, high heels, and makeup. Oh, and she definitely knew the effect she was having.
Yes, at age 40, I've turned into a dirty old man...

Chrono
27th July 2004, 17:32
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
I saw the ultimate jailbait on the train today. She can't have been more than 15YO, but she was wearing a pushup bra, reaaaaly short shorts, an ankle bracelet, high heels, and makeup. Oh, and she definitely knew the effect she was having.
Yes, at age 40, I've turned into a dirty old man...

"Jailbait" is the right term there, Tony. At age 20, I've turned into a dirty young man. But I'm looking as young as 16, though, instead of 15 like you. :D

Kotev
27th July 2004, 20:25
Hey baby do you have a library card?

Do you want to check out my a$$?



The topic is: What is your worst joke.

I know it's really bad. I wonder if anyone would be cocky enough to think they could actually make it work?


Regards,
Stephen Kotev

Chrono
27th July 2004, 20:50
Originally posted by Kotev
I know it's really bad. I wonder if anyone would be cocky enough to think they could actually make it work?


How about you try it out, Stephen? :p

Kotev
27th July 2004, 21:10
Jonathan,

I prefer to defer to more senior Budoka. :D

Maybe William or Harvey would chime in with an more effective line....


Stephen Kotev

william northcote
27th July 2004, 22:25
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
I saw the ultimate jailbait on the train today. She can't have been more than 15YO, but she was wearing a pushup bra, reaaaaly short shorts, an ankle bracelet, high heels, and makeup. Oh, and she definitely knew the effect she was having.
Yes, at age 40, I've turned into a dirty old man...

Well at least Tony is admitting to being a dirty old man rahter than perving over it in secret.

Anyway, back to the bad jokes. At the moment I seem to have hit that wall of non thought over this subject. My brain is empty (much like Kurt Cobain).

I would tell you of the time I have a large girlfriend. I offended her as I kept buring my a$$ on the lightbulb. Oh well time for the valium.

Gene Williams
27th July 2004, 23:01
This giraffe walks into a bar and hollers, "The high balls are on me."

Know why divorces are so expensive? They're worth it.

Know the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance...

Hear about the two ants on a toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

Chrono
28th July 2004, 04:33
Originally posted by Gene Williams
Hear about the two ants on a toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

I like this one. :D

william northcote
28th July 2004, 08:42
I once heard 30,000 ants robbed a Chinese resteraunt. I know them guys and they said it never happened. It was someone else.

Tom D
2nd August 2004, 21:31
So Mother Theresa just arrived in in Heavan and she notices that Princess Diana has a Halo. Mother T. feels the top of her own head and does NOT find one on hers.
So she goes stormimg up to St. Peter who happends to be shift supervisor on that specific day and Screams at him!
"Hey Pete WTF does Princess Diana have a Halo and I do not? I mean common man! I was a considered a Saint for crying out loud! And this young little princess from the UK comes up here and gets HANDED a halo?!
So, St. Peter calms down Mother T. and whispers in her ear. "Mother, shhh... she thinks it is but it's not, we just let her walk around with it."
"Well what is it?!"
St Pete looks around and answers softly "It's a steering wheel"

Please no grammar correcitons, I suck at Math

Tom D
2nd August 2004, 21:48
So, sure enough Patrick is at the local pub when he falls off his stool and asks for another drink down there on the floor.
Shamus The Bartender tells ole Patrick that he's had enough and that he would help him to the door.
"I'm fine! Leave me be! I'll just crawl up to the table over there and get me-self up"
So Patrick paws his way up the table, stands up, looks around with a smile straightens out his jacket and falls flat on his face again.
One of the other patrons helps him to the door and props him on the bench and goes back inside outside knowing that Ole Patrick lives but three doors down the street.
Feeling guilty, the Bartender goes back outside to find Patrick Crawling down the street and then up the stairs to his house. Shamus yells out "Patrick ya need some help there?" Patrick yells back with a belch "I'm F%$# fine, leave me be, I'll just clawl into bed from here!" He then manages to reach up unlock the door and crawl in.
"Suit yourself!" Shamus goes back inside,"Yeah sure enough he made all right" bartender yells back into the pub "I guess we have to make the call"
Bright and early the next morning, Patrick's wife Kathleen wakes him up.
"Patrick you were at the pub last night gettin drunk again I'll bet!"
"Oh Kathleen my love now why would I be doin such a daft thing like that"
"Never you mind now, I know you were" Her arms crossed.
Patrick looks up and says, "So how do ya know Kathleen?"
"The Pub called last night Patrick! You left your wheelchair there again!.

PwarYuex
3rd August 2004, 00:46
the best jokes would have to be at http://bash.org , IRC quotes.

Lee Marsh
3rd August 2004, 01:02
A priest and a rabbi were at a nude beach. The priest saw three nude young boys standing a short distance down the beach, and he said to the rabbi,"let's go screw those boys." The rabbi answered, "Out of what?"

Chrono
3rd August 2004, 03:41
Originally posted by PwarYuex
the best jokes would have to be at http://bash.org , IRC quotes.

I know that site. It always has me tearing up.

Chrono
3rd August 2004, 03:44
Originally posted by Tom D
Please no grammar correcitons, I suck at Math

You hear that, Tony? ;)

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 05:51
Originally posted by Chrono
You hear that, Tony? ;)
Tom "can't spell" D sucks. I get it. :cool:

Chrono
3rd August 2004, 05:59
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Tom "can't spell" D sucks. I get it. :cool:

You have any books you can recommend to him so he can spell?

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 07:03
Originally posted by Chrono
You have any books you can recommend to him so he can spell?
Harry Potter? :D

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 07:08
Originally posted by Chrono
You have any books you can recommend to him so he can spell?

I was thinking more like Spot the dog.

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 07:38
Originally posted by Will Northcote
I was thinking more like Spot the dog.
Harry Potter; spells, which witch is which?, etc...

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 07:49
Oooh no Tony, he will need the "How to be a Wiccan for Dummies" book.

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 07:50
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Oooh no Tony, he will need the "How to be a Wiccan for Dummies" book.
Wiccans are dummies; bloody fairy tales for grown-ups!

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 13:16
Well some of my friends would say opposite to that, but you are entitled to an opinion Tony. :)

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 14:00
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Well some of my friends would say opposite to that, but you are entitled to an opinion Tony. :)
If they can prove their beliefs in leprechauns are real, Will, they will win $1 million. (http://www.randi.org/research/index.html) Are they prepared to demonstrate the reality of their beliefs?
My opinion is at least grounded in fact, not fairy stories.

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 14:44
Maybe Tony, but this discussion is best suited to another part of e-budo and not in budo fun. So lets get this thing back on track.

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 14:53
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Maybe Tony, but this discussion is best suited to another part of e-budo and not in budo fun. So lets get this thing back on track.
You were the one who changed the thread's direction. Anyway, Wicca IS a bad joke...

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 14:56
True, but they make great furniture. Even the baskets are quite handy.

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 15:02
Originally posted by Will Northcote
True, but they make great furniture. Even the baskets are quite handy.
Now I know that you're the basket case, Will... :D

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 15:05
Non... for I am Nepolion [sticks hand into jacket] Moi is not a basket case. Merci and Au revoir!

Chrono
3rd August 2004, 16:40
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Non... for I am Nepolion [sticks hand into jacket] Moi is not a basket case.

Are you sure about that, Will. :p

william northcote
3rd August 2004, 22:54
Originally posted by Chrono
Are you sure about that, Will. :p

Oui.. I mean ce.. I er...


I don't know


I will go into that corner and cry in a pathetic manner

Kimpatsu
3rd August 2004, 23:45
Originally posted by Will Northcote
Non... for I am Nepolion [sticks hand into jacket] Moi is not a basket case. Merci and Au revoir!
Tu n'es pas Napoleon. Tu es le cause de toute ma doleur...

Tom D
4th August 2004, 03:27
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Tom "can't spell" D sucks. I get it. :cool:

I don't get it

Chrono
4th August 2004, 03:32
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Tu n'es pas Napoleon. Tu es le cause de toute ma doleur...

I don't get this. Speak English, man! :p

Kimpatsu
4th August 2004, 06:30
Originally posted by Tom D
I don't get it
He said he sucked. I was just agreeing.

Kimpatsu
4th August 2004, 06:41
Originally posted by Chrono
I don't get this. Speak English, man! :p
Pourquoi? Tu dois apprendre le français pour communiquer mieux avec les singes lâches qui mangent beaucoup de fromage.
(Why? You should learn French, to better communicate with the cheese-eating surrender monkeys. ;) :D )

Paul Kerr
4th August 2004, 07:43
Only for fans of Noddy and Big Ears:

It was a glorious day in Toytown and Big Ears decided to go and meet his best friend Noddy. The sun was shining and the birds whistled merrily in the trees. Big Ears was excited, after all he hadn't seen his best friend Noddy for a whole week! That was much too long for Big Ears.

Big Ears made himself a lovely breakfast - muffins and pancakes. Yummy, yummy! He read his newspaper and then set off to Noddy's house in the middle of Toytown. Walking out of his front gate he bumped into Mr. Postman.

"Hello Mr. Postman," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Postman, "I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You and Noddy are such good friends. Everybody knows that."

Big Ears walked jauntily along the road, smelling the flowers in the hedgerows and whistling a merry tune. Soon he came across Mr. Baker.

"Hello Mr. Baker," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Baker, "That's great news. You and Noddy are such good friends. Have a good day."

"I will!" beamed Big Ears, ever more excited about meeting Noddy, his bestest, BESTEST friend in the whole world.

As he walked Big Ears remembered all of the great times Noddy and he had together. There was the time they took the train to the beach and ate ice cream - that was lovely. Or the time the sweetie-van overturned in the street and all the little kiddies gorged themsleves on licqorice drops and bubbly gum. Super times!

Big Ears rounded the last corner into Noddy's street and he could now see Noddy's house up ahead. "This is SO exciting," he said to himself, "I'm going to meet Noddy my best friend in the world and we are going to have such fun together!"

He opened the gate at the end of Noddy's path and ran up the path to the door, hardly able to contain his excitement. This was going to be a great day - maybe even the greatest day of all! He knocked on the door and waited, a huge smile on his face. Inside he heard noises - Noddy was coming to the door!!

The door opened and there was Noddy, Big Ears's best friend in the whole wide world with whom he had shared so many great adventures. Big Ears was shaking with excitement.

"Hello Noddy," he beamed, "It's me, Big Ears, your bestest friend in the whole world. I haven't seen you in for a week!! Let's go out together and have a great adventure in Toytown!"

Noddy looked at Big Ears - "Piss off you red-nosed twat"

Kimpatsu
4th August 2004, 08:20
Bill and Ben were in bed together.
Bill said, "Flob-a-lob!"
And Ben replied, "If you really loved me, you'd swallow that."
:D

Paul Kerr
4th August 2004, 08:43
Q: What's the difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaaaaah"?

A: Half an inch.

william northcote
4th August 2004, 10:22
Originally posted by Paul Kerr
Q: What's the difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaaaaah"?

A: Half an inch.

In my town thats 5 pints of lager and a ride home.

Chrono
4th August 2004, 16:44
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
(Why? You should learn French, to better communicate with the cheese-eating surrender monkeys. ;) :D )

Like you? :D :p

Kimpatsu
4th August 2004, 16:46
Originally posted by Chrono
Like you? :D :p
Oui, bien sûr, je parle la langue des singes. Et toi? :rolleyes:

Chrono
4th August 2004, 16:49
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Oui

I understand this.

Kimpatsu
4th August 2004, 16:55
Originally posted by Chrono
I understand this.
That's a start. What about the rest?

Chrono
4th August 2004, 18:41
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
That's a start. What about the rest?

Ok, I'll try some of the other stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong (Like I need to tell you that).

bien = good
Et toi = me too
langue = language
singes = single

That's about it. Of course, it doesn't really help to understand what the whole thing says.

Kimpatsu
5th August 2004, 01:41
Originally posted by Chrono
Ok, I'll try some of the other stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong (Like I need to tell you that).

bien = good
Et toi = me too
langue = language
singes = single

That's about it. Of course, it doesn't really help to understand what the whole thing says.
Two out of four.
Bien= good
Et toi= You too
"Langue" actually means tongue (cf. "language"), but is used to mean language just as we talk of one's "mother tongue".
Singes= monkeys (plural)
The actual sentence reads, "Yes, of course, I speak the language of the monkeys. How about you?", referring to the "cheese-eating surender monkey" crack earlier. (Bart Simpson has much to answer for.)

Chrono
5th August 2004, 04:09
Originally posted by Kimpatsu
Two out of four.
Bien= good
Et toi= You too
"Langue" actually means tongue (cf. "language"), but is used to mean language just as we talk of one's "mother tongue".
Singes= monkeys (plural)
The actual sentence reads, "Yes, of course, I speak the language of the monkeys. How about you?", referring to the "cheese-eating surender monkey" crack earlier. (Bart Simpson has much to answer for.)

Two out of four? Hell yeah! I'm better than I thought.

aplonis
13th August 2004, 03:37
Gxuste precize...kion ja signifas la vorto "fikantaro"? Cxu fi-kant-aro aux fik-ant-aro?

Sadly it does not tanslate into English. But trust me...it's hilarious in Esperanto.

Sillal
13th August 2004, 06:22
If they can prove their beliefs in leprechauns are real, Will, they will win $1 million. Are they prepared to demonstrate the reality of their beliefs?

They are no more retarded than any other religion. I gave up talking to invisible guys in the sky when I quit eating fungus out of cow poo:D

And noone can demonstrate the reality of their religious beliefs.

As for jokes:

Whats the difference between a guy who can't get married in Mass. and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

Whats the difference between a guy who can't get married in Mass. and a microwave oven?

A microwave oven won’t brown your meat...

Gene Williams
13th August 2004, 11:40
Admin note:

4. Treat your fellow E-Budo members with respect, including comments about race, national origin, gender, sexual preference, and religious preference (or lack thereof).

Kimpatsu
13th August 2004, 13:55
Do you know why Gene Willaims is still alive today?
--Because in the Victorian era, he'd have been put out of his misery...

Matt Molloy
13th August 2004, 14:39
The bigot rides again.:rolleyes:

If we thought you were intelligent enough to know what you were talking about then this would be vaguely offensive Gene. As it is, it's like listening to a child who, having realised that certain words were offensive, mouths them without knowing their true meaning.

Tiresome in the extreme. It would appear that senility beckons.

Good luck in your quest for the bottom of the barrel.

Matt.

Gene Williams
13th August 2004, 15:22
Matt, you take yourself way too seriously;)

Gene Williams
13th August 2004, 15:25
Admin note:

4. Treat your fellow E-Budo members with respect, including comments about race, national origin, gender, sexual preference, and religious preference (or lack thereof).

Kimpatsu
13th August 2004, 16:33
Know why they'll never be a legitimjite Republican president?
Because they're always slaves to the next vote-catching wheeze...

Starkjudo
13th August 2004, 17:34
Ok, Gene, that last one WAS a little too racist. And i'm the first to laugh at just about any kind of joke.

The Nephilim
13th August 2004, 21:57
Gene, two things I will say to you. First off, you crossed the line at acceptable jokes. Your last 2 have been of a racist tone and has lowered a good thread.

Second, why do you not have a sig for your posts? We all have that, even the trolls have some sig in their line, so why not you?

Maybe a moderator should be told of this.

Lee Marsh
14th August 2004, 01:17
If you use your full name as your userid instead of cute little BS names, you don't have to have a sig at the bottom. So, go rat to the mod and see what he says. Do you know how to get fifty Haitians in a shoe box? Tell them it floats.:p

The Nephilim
14th August 2004, 06:40
Originally posted by Lee Marsh
If you use your full name as your userid instead of cute little BS names, you don't have to have a sig at the bottom. So, go rat to the mod and see what he says. Do you know how to get fifty Haitians in a shoe box? Tell them it floats.:p


Forum Rules:
Please sign your posts with your full name.


It is not there to take up space Lee. :D

Kimpatsu
14th August 2004, 06:53
Originally posted by The Nephilim
It is not there to take up space Lee. :D
What's a "space Lee"?
(Hint: try placing comma between "space" and "Lee".)

George Kohler
14th August 2004, 09:31
We have one in E-Budo Hell for breaking rule number 4.