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Tripitaka of AA
3rd July 2003, 12:01
I possess the Ultimate, the Best, the ONE TRUE STYLE.

I spent many years analysing the foremost practicioners of Martial Arts from around the world. Every style known to Man, and decades studying combat techniques used by hunters and victims in the Animal Kingdom. No-one has such an extensive library of literature and visual recordings of conflict and combat. My weapons knowledge is second to none, encompassing every conceivable tool from the humble Safety Pin to a Battleship's Cannon, I have killed and maimed more creatures than an Australian forest fire and an Ethiopian Drought combined.

I hold certificates and endorsements from every major Martial Arts organisation and the armed forces of 227 countries. I have designed and manufactured Defence and Restraint weapons for Secret Police and criminal groups across the globe. My customers include everyone from the Sultan of Brunei to "Lefty" Johnson, the mad razor man of Putney.

I am Her Majesty's Government.

I am only equalled by my friends Uncle Sam and the Russian Mafia (ooops, sorry, I meant "Russian Government" - simple mistake, could happen to anyone ;))

StanLee
3rd July 2003, 12:34
David, you sound like my boss.

Stan:D

joe yang
3rd July 2003, 13:45
Mr. Noble, with all due respect, you have created nothing until you and your art generate a flame war on Baffling Budo, in the least. To achieve true immortality you need to get a thread moved to Bad Budo or the NHBG.

I don't know you well enough to personally launch an assault on your obviously fraudulent claims. However, my contempt for you has risen measurably in the face of your sophmoric attempt at self aggrandizement. If you could give me a little more incentive, I might easily be encouraged to vilify you at greater length.

You need to get more in depth about your lineage, maybe get some friends to offer testimonials, join a self accrediting association, post a web page. Give us something to work with. Again, with all due respect. :D

wendy ongaro
3rd July 2003, 13:50
and do discuss more how lucrative you make teaching this incredible new style of your's- the contracts, the tithes, having weekend womens' seminars which are top secret and involve only lingerie. Your system sounds facinating. do tell us more.

joe yang
3rd July 2003, 13:59
Good grief, nothing for women only, Harvey will go ballistic. Better do a men only lingerie weekend too. :D

wendy ongaro
3rd July 2003, 14:01
only if I can come. or cum as it may be. :D

joe yang
3rd July 2003, 14:07
We could invite Aaron too, for spanking. :D

kage110
3rd July 2003, 15:04
David,

not so fictional....:mad:

Joe,

If it helps the cause I can offer a number of glowing testimonials for David and his HMG ryu. It has certainly changed me from being a nine-stone weakling to the meanest, badest, most low-down kung-fu killer the world has ever seen! :saw: And that's a fact!:D

p.s. I second getting Aaron in to do a bit of spanking!:nw:

joe yang
4th July 2003, 00:09
Thanks Hugh, that would be nice. Since I am going to help David further his art by attacking and detracting from him, I will of course have to question your credentials, training and relationship with the Master. Your profile doesn't give me much to go on. We need to know more about you. If you like, I could pose some rude questions. Till then, I could maybe make national origin type comments, if you don't mind. :D

Gene Williams
4th July 2003, 00:21
Well, I am sure that none of you do enough kata or eat enough tuna. So, I am making a one time offer to teach you all the lost dances of Dim Mac, my original Sensei, who lived in Tomari, Alabama. These are devastating forms which will render your opponent completely immobile even if he just sees you do one from across the room. If you don't believe me, you are all a bunch of over-hyped, grabastic sissies who know nothing of the true arts, and could not possibly be able to defend yourselves in a real life situation inside a nuclear reactor. I know where you live, I know your names, I've been making friends with all your guard dogs, I have hidden in your mail boxes, I can see you even as I write this AAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!! Seventh Son of Dim Mac, Soke, PhD., J.D. , ABC, XYZ, M.O.U.S.E.

Tripitaka of AA
4th July 2003, 01:08
I have no recollection of making the original post.

I was invited for a virtual drink with Kimpatsu which left me virtually paralytic. Apparently it also rendered me virtually unintelligible (ask the wife) and capable of authoring posts that were virtually incomprehensible.

Having said that...

My secret techniques are way more secret than any of your pathetically transparent day-glo secret techniques. Mine are so secret that I haven't even told my hands yet. My legs know, as it was on a knee to know basis (ouch!).

My students are sworn to secrecy and must wear brown paper bags whenever they arrive or leave the Dojo. I had to explain to some of them that the bags were meant to be worn over their heads to hide their faces, I had some celebrity students who had gotten tailored dogi made up from top quality brown paper (hear those sleeves "snap" on the fast kicks and punches). But when I got them sweating we ended up with a lot of pulp on the floor and I figured that was a bit dangerous.








That virtual booze... it seems to have turned me into a virtual BruceB

Chuck Munyon
4th July 2003, 01:36
Haha! Gene used the word Grabstic in a sentence! I've been waiting for years to see someone who wasn't the Full Metal Jacket guy do that!
Speaking of which, have you guys seen the commercial for the show Mail Call on the History Channel? BWAAAHAAHAAAHAA!

I am also impressed that no-one has taken Wendy up on her offer yet.

Gene Williams
4th July 2003, 01:44
Hah! Your secret techniques are pathetic! I saw them through my extended ki mind control vision and, I'm telling you, they are pitiful! My techniques are so secret they haven't even been invented yet, but I can conceive of them in my mind and when I conceived of them on the street today, two dogs died and mothers began taking their children off the street. My touch is so powerful that MY students have to wear latex body gloves just to avoid my brushing against them! Speaking of knees, what are joints like those doing in a nice guy like you? soke Son of Dim Mac

Kimpatsu
4th July 2003, 02:27
Knick knack paddy Mac
Give Gene Williams a blow
This old sot came rolling home
:toast:

Gene Williams
4th July 2003, 02:37
Kehoe came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his dogi was gleaming in purple and gold,
And the sheen of his wit was as sharp as could be
But he was no match for Dim Mac and me.
:D (with apologies to George Gordon, Lord Byron)

Kimpatsu
4th July 2003, 02:40
I am the master of Dim Sum, a splinter group of Dim Mac, called Big Mac. We also have Bright Mac as well.
These three grand styles, Dim Sum, Big Mac, and Bright Mac, have now been combined into a special technique called the MacMeal. Chew on that, Gene. :cool:

Gene Williams
4th July 2003, 02:42
Hah! You will crumble before my "hot coffee in the crotch" waza! Take that!:saw: Gene

Kimpatsu
4th July 2003, 02:43
Puny mortal! I dodge your hot coffee technique with a cool shake (of the hips)!
:shot:
This is called the "hippy hippy shake".

Gene Williams
4th July 2003, 02:52
That's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about...you Brits sent the Beatles over here and then everything went to Hell...music went to Hell, we all got sent to Viet Nam, the muscle cars went away, people started wearing bell bottoms, and prices went up. Now...I'm countering with Burger King botulism. See how that wiggles your hips! :p

joe yang
4th July 2003, 03:34
My Dim Wit is reality based and street effective, and superior to any of your puny Dim Whatever. As proof, you have all gone stupid on this thread. :D

Kimpatsu
4th July 2003, 04:07
Ah, but my Dim Bulb waza is truly enlightening... :idea:

wendy ongaro
4th July 2003, 14:03
But all of you are inferior to my Dead Ninja Technique! It is so simple, yet complex! I can teach it to anyone and they too, will become superior! Simply lie on the ground...stop breathing...and your enemies simply melt away. Fools! :D

joe yang
4th July 2003, 19:21
Once again I triumph, for my Dead Tong Way is vastly ultimate and swampest, for even in death, I can fake breathing, fooling my enemies into fear and inaction, achieving victory in death, and causing them to question, "what is that smell?" :D

jnakazawa
5th July 2003, 00:13
You are all a bunch of wanabees. Our minions can outsharpen your minions any time! :D

Gene Williams
5th July 2003, 03:44
I want some minions, too. How come you guys have them and I don't?:mad: Where can I get minions? It isn't fair for everyone else to have minions when I don't have any:cry:

joe yang
5th July 2003, 09:27
We don't need no stinking minions. We'll just make up longer traditions, higher ranks, more arts. Tell everyone your minions are there, they just can't see them. :D

Tripitaka of AA
5th July 2003, 10:09
I shall suffer no splinter groups in my organisation. Anyone who is granted permission to see the secret techniques must sign a contract in their own blood (written on a parchment created from a swatch of skin removed by laser from the applicant's back). They must never betray me, the art, or the ONE GUIDING PRINCIPLE of the creed we recite at each of our classes.

I can't tell you what it is, of course. But I'll give you a clue... it is a lot like the speech that Michael Douglas's character said in "Wall Street". We hope to become a PLC before my next birthday.

My organisation will be the biggest, the baddest and the holy-rolling-in-it richest of all time. My flamboyant appearance will make Don King look as harmless as Pee Wee Hermann. My hair (extensions) will tower over you all, my gut will encompass the room. My shadow will be big enough to cause droughts in Central america each time I walk to my swimming pool. I won't ever need to perform my techniques, for I have crossed over to the other side, I am celebrity

joe yang
5th July 2003, 10:23
I propose that we end this sensless bickering, "My style is badder than your style". Let's unite, organize, grant each other rank, maybe inflate the rank we have. We could have a convention, vouch for each other, do an Olympic demo, sell t-shirts. Think of the possibilities.

Tripitaka of AA
5th July 2003, 10:41
NOW you're talking my language!

One dan for you, and one for me... one more for you, and one more for me.... one Soke for you, one Soke for me.

Shall we run intensive one day seminars too? Oh goody goody, I can get my cousin to do catering. Salmonella Sal they call him, he has quite a reputation! But I assure you, not all of it is true ;)

Tripitaka of AA
5th July 2003, 11:09
Time for some publicity shots!

Tripitaka of AA
5th July 2003, 11:14
And one of the Master with his first disciples. Note the boy has been practicing the highly dangerous "crayon-up-my-nose waza", with apparently no ill-effects, that's my boy!

wendy ongaro
5th July 2003, 15:02
chi-ching! chi-ching! that will be the kiai we will all adopt at our seminars as we watch the cash roll in to the registers! chi-ching! chi-ching!

Gene Williams
5th July 2003, 18:00
My huge multi-national, conglomerate, inter-galactic, poly-dimensional, double clutch in E flat mega martial arts corporation will buy you all out (talk about a hostile takeover:D ), cancel your stock, suck the cash out of all your puny entities and use it for pocket change, and cast you all upon the street to be fed by the national dole until your miserable dreams are crushed like bugs. Now, that's a technique!:cool: