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View Full Version : Mortality: Experiences of passing, grieving and surviving



Tripitaka of AA
6th July 2003, 19:54
I know that there are some wise and experienced readers on this forum and I am seeking your thoughts on the subject of "Death by Illness".

It is coming up to the tenth anniversary of my Father's death (Bowel Cancer and associated complications), and a close friend of mine is coming to terms with the imminent passing of her mother. My thoughts are with her, but I have only a few pearls of wisdom to pass on from my own experience.

How do you help someone come to terms with the fragility of their rock-solid relationships?

Does anyone have any common-sense, tried and trusted, proven effective strategies or techniques (I'm thinking along the lines of Elder999's no-nonsense rules for a successful barbecue ;) ).

Steve Williams
6th July 2003, 23:46
Must be almost 10 years since my father-in-law died......

He went from a VERY active man (even went jogging with us a couple of times, went horse riding every week, had an active job as a roofer etc.... ) to a mere shadow of himself in a couple of months.....

Cancer of the Kidneys..... one was removed... but it had spread too far.



The hardest thing is not that he is gone (comes a close second though), but to see what he became, after knowing what he once was.




Remember the good times.

Remember the things he said (the good things, not the bad..... definately not the "are you sleeping with my daughter" bit).
His actual quote (when talking to someone else about our "relationship") "not only has he got his feet under the table..... he's got his feet in the bed".
He was a character, and I do miss him.

Remember the Happy times.

Doesn't take away the sorrow or emptyness.... just makes it a little more bearable.

I sometimes do have a memory or image of him.......
Certain "triggers" set it off, just have a smile about how he used to be.....
And I only knew him for about 4 or 5 years.


I am lucky that both my parents are still with us.......

bgb
7th July 2003, 15:33
As Steve said, remember the good.

Sometimes it helps to have a tangible reminder. I wear my mother’s ring on a chain. My brother-in-law kept his father’s watch in his pocket for six months.

My thoughts are with her…

Barb Bloom

Gene Williams
7th July 2003, 15:40
I have always believed that the best memorial to anyone is that we try to embody in our own lives and selves those things about them that were good and true and which we loved the most in them. Gene

cguzik
7th July 2003, 19:58
David,

I lost my mother to kidney cancer, four years ago. I did not realize it at the time, but within the difficulty of seeing a loved one suffering and nearing death, there is a certain blessing. Being able to spend time with someone, with the knowledge that our time is limited, and a spirit of caring that we all too often forget in our daily lives, brings us more peace later, once they are gone. It is important to focus on maintaining the quality of life of our suffering loved ones, up to the moment they leave us. Looking back and knowing that you did everything you could to show your love, is a very comforting feeling. And when we see suffering in life, it can remind us of how impermanent the things that we value are.

I lost my sixteen year-old son ten months ago, in a car wreck. Given the unexpected nature of his death, coupled with the kinds of conflicts that take place between teenage boys and their parents, there are a lot of things that I would try to differently, had I only known what it would be like to not be able to see him continue growing up. It is quite a serious problem how we can take for granted so many things, not knowing what we have until it is too late.

If you have the opportunity to be with someone you love, take it. Cherish it, knowing that our lives are short and that nothing is permanent. And when you have lost someone, allow yourself to grieve. It is easy to say and hard to do. We are so used to seeking distractions, going from one thing to the next. Taking the time to allow oneself to feel, to accept the sadness, denial, and anger, is an integral part to continuing our lives without those whom we have lost.

Best,

Chris