Ask the Honkey....er Hanshi

[Excel Glenn]

Having passed my video examination for Supreme Shaolin Master, just got my internet confirmation a few minutes ago, I have decided to descend to the level of the neophytes and answer any burning questions you may have concerning your journey on the path of martial arts.

Don't be afraid, my aura will not burn you, and my usual seminar fee of $5,000.00 will be waived. :D

(really, really need a laugh, this is an opportunity for all of us to be creative and have some fun, try to keep it semi-clean, but innuendo is always a wonderful comedi vehicle)

PS, anyone can assume the role of Honkey...er Hanshi, Soke, Dai Sifu Chaka Kan at any time.

[Richard Horrowi]

Ask the Honkey/Hanshi

Well that is what the Nisei Goju people did for years. Guys from Florida will know what I'm talking about.

RH

[Excel Glenn]

I am sorry it took me so long to respond, I was in deep meditation in the back of the temple (ziiiiiiiiiiip!)

There are many who aspire to the levels to which I have soared, but there are few who have achieved the IMMENSE (165 kilos to be exact) mastery I have over Supreme Shaolin.

Meditate on this and for an additional $65 you can have my novice level training tape which prepares you for the second level novice training tape for only $85, plus the free AND authentic side kick stencil beer cozy.

[chizikunbo]

Supreme master I humbaly come before to ask if i can skp test all of the way to your leval of mastey, and if so how much would that cost?

[Jock Armstrong]

Will this require a photo in the swampest places???

[chizikunbo]

Money is but nothing, when it comes to training, but yes it will require a photo, and an extra $5000 for me looking at your photo, extra charges will be discussed later.

[Excel Glenn]

Ah Palm Slapper, would that it was so...

The path to Supreme Shaolin Master is an arduous one and cannot be transmitted in anything under 25 years of hard practice and current training dues and seminar fees.

Fortunately for me, my master Mizu (cough!)moto was able to use his amazing ki aura to infuse me with the last secrets before he died in an undisclosed city in Japan. Such are the mysteries of Supreme Shaolin...

I was fortunate to have even found master Mitsu (cough!)mato when I did, at an undisclosed time in the past. He was, of course, the sole dai sifu-san of the Supreme Shaolin. Naturally he was in need of an heir on to whom he could pass this mysterious lineage.

Such is not the case with me. I have LOTS of students attending my classes and seminars. That shows how good and supreme I really am. Master Mono (cough!)mito knew that I was the only one capable of the supreme levels necessary to be Supreme Master of Supreme Shaolin.

However, if you submit your photo and a purification offering of $150, then I will send you the beginner's video training of Supreme Shaolin along with a lucky coin that will prove to everyone your connection to this amazingly supreme martial art. If you meditate on the coin and send it back with a purification fee of $50, you will receive secret emissions...er...transmissions of the art in your dreams.

Don't delay, send it today...

[Markaso]

Oh your most supreme honkiness

I must ask you a question that has been troubling many for sooooo long. Which came first the chicken or the egg??;)

[shinobi77]

Dear master soke shaolin guy living in a box,

I heard that "The Last Samurai" is actually your life story?


What's up with that???

:)

[Excel Glenn]

I must ask you a question that has been troubling many for sooooo long. Which came first the chicken or the egg??

I see you are practicing the ancient art of the Zen koan. This particular one has vexed many over the centuries.

Fortunately for you, Supreme Shaolin has surpassed the skills of that of Zen. The answer is simple...

First you must purify yourself with an offering to the lineage of Supreme Shaolin ($150), then you must obtain the ancient scrolls of meditative blissosity ($65). Finally, it is necessary to merge your universal energy body with the dai-shin-kwan-tsu of Supreme Shaolin. This requires a pilgrimage seminar ($750) in the next six months. After all of this, the answer shall be clear.

There is no chicken, there is no egg...as once stated by the great sage (Reanmitsu Keanuta). Such are the mysteries of Supreme Shaolin.

[Excel Glenn]

I heard that "The Last Samurai" is actually your life story?

This is a typical misunderstanding of eager neophytes. Of course, the life story of Master of Supreme Shaolin is a highly coveted prize of Hollywood film producers, for obvious reasons.

The Last Samurai is actually the life story of my beloved teacher Moko (cough!)minubi. He was in fact the last living samurai in Japan, this is a testament to Supreme Shaolin's lineage and power.

Of course, they had to modify the story a bit, as the Japanese government of Meiji was embarrassed to admit that its forces had been defeated by a single man (there was no need for an army, he had the power of Supreme Shaolin).

Tom Cruise's character was actually a battlefield piss boy, but that is Hollywood for you.

Incidentally, it was my genius that provided all the historical accuracy you see in the ninja attack scene in the movie. Afterall, Supreme Shaolin is the best style at using authentic ninja weapons such as the sai and those deadly Lee Press On Nails.

[chizikunbo]

Supreme Honky of the universe, how many people could you beat up at once?

[PeteBoyes]

I understand that there is no limit.

For demonstration purposes the attackers have to attack one by one for their own safety. They have to be told how to attack, and how to react when repelled. This is purely for their own safety and has nothing to do with choreography.

If it was a free-for-all, people could end up being hurt ;)

[Markaso]

Originally posted by Excel Glenn
I see you are practicing the ancient art of the Zen koan. This particular one has vexed many over the centuries.

Fortunately for you, Supreme Shaolin has surpassed the skills of that of Zen. The answer is simple...

First you must purify yourself with an offering to the lineage of Supreme Shaolin ($150), then you must obtain the ancient scrolls of meditative blissosity ($65). Finally, it is necessary to merge your universal energy body with the dai-shin-kwan-tsu of Supreme Shaolin. This requires a pilgrimage seminar ($750) in the next six months. After all of this, the answer shall be clear.



Yea , after all that the answer would be clear and not in a zen sort of way.... it is and isn't, it was and wasn't, it will be and won't be. All in the same breath! yes the answer is and isn't there. Wow !! I think I,ve just been enlightened!!! Or not ....... But boy oh boy, what a trip! :cool:

[Carlos Estrella]

Oh Enlighted Honkus... please permit me a kind newbie to this thread to ask a question of humble origins...

What is the sound of one lip smacking? (My chip dip does runneth over wise one, yet my spouse of enlightenment who tolerates my love for all things martial (and sometimes marital) cannot handle loud eating)

Thank you wise one, and forgive my rude, humble intrusion into the temple of (strobe) light.

Carlos

[larsen_huw]

Originally posted by Markaso
Oh your most supreme honkiness

I must ask you a question that has been troubling many for sooooo long. Which came first the chicken or the egg??;)


Chicken & egg lying in bed. Egg's looking contented and smoking a cigerette. Chicken's looking pissed off and goes:

Well i supose that answers that question then!

:laugh:


For a real answer, according to Darwin's theory of evolution, chickens (all living things too, but we're talking about chickens!) evolve through random mutations which make them more suited to not ending up dead! So modern day chickens would of come from ancient chickenesque-type-thingies which laid a mutated egg .... therefore the egg came first! :)

And for that may i be permitted to ask a question of his honkyness:

In this modern day age of martial fraudsters, how can one tell that his teacher and lineage is suitably ancient and authentic?

[Excel Glenn]

In this modern day age of martial fraudsters, how can one tell that his teacher and lineage is suitably ancient and authentic?

It is vital that one's instructor has received the proper teachings from foregone generations. It is also extemely important that your instructor be steeped in the secret lore of your style. For this reason, the best indication of authenticity is that your instructor has been taught by an authentic, yet difficult to locate historically, deceased instructor.

This guarantees that your lineage will be above scrutiny or reproach, making it the most legitimate of all lineages. This is similar to the theoretical imperviousness of creationism in scientifc/educational debates.

[CEB]

How much would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?