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View Full Version : Should I have gone back?



crazykl45
25th May 2005, 03:03
Recently, I left a terrific dojo in my town for another dojo at least an hours drive away from me. It's funny because the reasons aren't something I've completely understood yet.

I trained at the University of Michigan Bujinkan dojo under Michael Asuncion. The atmosphere was great, Mike-sensei really emphasized a lot of great points and in general there was no reason to leave. However, the people in the town itself really made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.

I had gotten the feeling that plenty of random people on the street, in my classes, and even a few in the dojo thought of me as a scary or creepy guy and it really affected the way I handled myself. This is because I hadn't made a single friend during my three year stay there so all I had to go by was those feelings. After a while, I didn't want to even leave my apartment, I just wanted to be alone. And so, I took a week hiatus from my training, then a week became a month, and month became two and so on.

After I found I hadn't trained for an entire term, I found that I really wanted to train in martial arts again. However, I felt as though I couldn't go back to my other dojo, so I found an new dojo to train at. (The Michigan Tamiya Ryu dojo under Michael Alexnian for those who wonder).

The thing I wanted to discuss is the issue of desiring to go back, but feeling as though you shouldn't. Is it weird for me to think that way? I can't help but feel like I made so many mistakes and at the very least I wanted to examine my motives.

Trevor Johnson
25th May 2005, 18:49
I'd say, trust your instincts as far as a dojo goes. If it's not right, it's not right. You'd be surprised how often instincts go right and we ignore them. If your wrongness meter is going off, there's usually a good reason.

As for the rest of it, ummm, well, do you have any idea why they thought of you as scary or creepy? Not to be Dear Abbey, but that's an essential piece of info to have. Like one friend who I finally clued in, it might not be what you think it is. Like him, your shoes could smell so bad that nobody wants to go near you. (It's really hard for lots of people to mention this sort of thing. Only way I managed it is I have very little tact. In case you hadn't noticed. ) The not leaving your apartment and feelings of friendlessness could also be signs of depression, which you may need to get treated. It may be the way you handle yourself around people, social awkwardness happens too.
So, basically, what I'm saying is, not enough data to formulate any kind of helpful opinion.

crazykl45
25th May 2005, 22:04
More than likely I felt that they saw me that way because I didn't really interact with anyone there. Thinking back, I recall hardly ever chatting with anyone.

In any case, I'm mostly over the social awkwardness. It's just that after I got over the problem, I had the urge to return to training there, but felt as though I couldn't. It was almost like I had turned my back on the dojo by ignoring training there.

kenkyusha
25th May 2005, 23:48
My experiences as a student (10 +/- years in a couple of large public aikido schools and my jujutsu teacher for 12+ years- 3 of us students and him), so take this with a grain of salt

I am shy, a bit reclusive, and often have/had difficulty interacting w/people socially. In retrospect, I was missing the one of the points of training, that in order for this to 'work its magic,' one has to be safe, but not comfortable. Stepping beyond the shyness, and engaging is good practice, and exposes one to some really neat folks (and of course as an instructor, being shy can be read as being stand-offish or arrogant, so I don't really get much of a choice there).

As a parting shot, one suggestion: just chat with folks. It may be weird at first, but learning how to engage a variety of other people on a range of topics can be educational, good fun, and is, one hopes, part of growing into the practitioners we aspire to be. Of course, YMMV.

Be well,
Jigme

william northcote
30th May 2005, 15:14
It seems that the dojo was not for you. Maybe if you tried another Bujinkan dojo, you may get a different feel to it. Maybe you picked up on something like an undercurrant of feeling towards you. It is hard to tell without knowing more, but maybe the fault is with you.

You said that you never left your residence. I too think that this may be a form of depression/anxiety towards your surroundings. Go and ask for a meeting with a councillor as to why this happened. Maybe your just put off by something small and it has affected you in a major way without you realizing it.

Get back in touch with the instructor and talk to him. See what he thinks and maybe advise you on what you should do.

Brian Owens
31st May 2005, 02:02
I felt as though I couldn't go back to my other dojo, so I found an new dojo to train at. (The Michigan Tamiya Ryu dojo under Michael Alexnian for those who wonder).

The thing I wanted to discuss is the issue of desiring to go back, but feeling as though you shouldn't. Is it weird for me to think that way? I can't help but feel like I made so many mistakes and at the very least I wanted to examine my motives.
I think this is a normal feeling to have; partly wondering what people will think of you for having left, partly what they will think about your wanting to return, etc. It is natural to fear, or at least be uncomfortable with, the unknown.

If you enjoyed your time at that dojo, and if the Bujinkan is an organization you want to continue with, then I would say take a few deep breaths, relax, and contact the instructor. Let him know up front what happened and how you are feeling. I suspect that he'll be gald to have you back.


...It's funny because the reasons aren't something I've completely understood yet.

...However, the people in the town itself really made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.

I had gotten the feeling that plenty of random people on the street, in my classes, and even a few in the dojo thought of me as a scary or creepy guy and it really affected the way I handled myself. This is because I hadn't made a single friend during my three year stay there so all I had to go by was those feelings. After a while, I didn't want to even leave my apartment, I just wanted to be alone. ...
This last is something that the other respondents have picked up on, and I think it is key. Your having gone three years without making any friends, not wanting to leave your apartment, etc. leads me to believe there may be more going on than just worrying about changing dojo. I agree that you should consider contacting a professional counselor or therapist. Feelings of isolation, even mild paranoia, can often be best delt with by someone who is trained to help people explore their feelings and motivations, and help them develop strategies for dealing with them.

HTH.

crazykl45
31st May 2005, 05:21
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the concern.

Well I'd like to say that I have contacted a psychologist once or twice in the past. A lot of the feedback I got from her involved me not taking risks, internalizing the negative perceptions of myself I had been having, and not having any positive perceptions from a lack of feedback from others due to my lack of making any real friends. She seemed to think a lot of my problems were social. Of course, counseling wasn't something I continued for very long. I've made some progress on those fronts and I'll probably try the psychologist again. Of course, the dojo is still up in the air.