bu-kusa
04-04-2007, 06:20 AM
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Ninja
What to do if a Ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you, until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a nunchaku sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
First, do not panic. Ninja are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, or bees, or William Shatner or your mum.
Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot.
Third, Ninjas are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja may have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only Pirates should act like pirates.
Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer comes with a swift shuriken to the forehead.
Don't get in a car and drive off, because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninjas have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because many of them were Boy Scouts and follow the scout motto of "Be Prepared".
Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate, as ninja attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninja are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
Never use reverse psychology on a ninja, they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out.
Always remember that haikus DO NOT work on ninjas.
DO NOT try to throw links at a Ninja. They will just get really pissed and kill you even more.
Red links won't work either, smartass.
Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninja are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninjas are very good at climbing.
Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninjas are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninjas invented kung fu (those jerkwad shaolin monks took all the credit though) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you want to cry like a little girl, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death. (see Black Santa)
Redirect Ninja's uncyclopedia page to corpse.
Try the "Super Man Thing"See The Matrix. A word of caution with this one, it only works when 30 or more ninja are coming at you from all sides. It also requires you have the ability to fly up to a minimum height of 40 feet.
Pretend to be a ninja. Ninjas never attack fellows ninjas except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese...
If at all possible, always have a bonzai plant handy to give as an offering; Ninjas love bonzai plants.
Place your head between your legs and kiss your !!! good-bye. (highly recommended)
In summary. If a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the pearly gates with a WTF M8? look on your face. Don't worry though, ninja don't usually go after random targets, but just in case they decide to, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi", it just offends them.
[edit] What to do if a
What to do if a Ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you, until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a nunchaku sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
First, do not panic. Ninja are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, or bees, or William Shatner or your mum.
Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot.
Third, Ninjas are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja may have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only Pirates should act like pirates.
Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer comes with a swift shuriken to the forehead.
Don't get in a car and drive off, because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninjas have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because many of them were Boy Scouts and follow the scout motto of "Be Prepared".
Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate, as ninja attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninja are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
Never use reverse psychology on a ninja, they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out.
Always remember that haikus DO NOT work on ninjas.
DO NOT try to throw links at a Ninja. They will just get really pissed and kill you even more.
Red links won't work either, smartass.
Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninja are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninjas are very good at climbing.
Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninjas are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninjas invented kung fu (those jerkwad shaolin monks took all the credit though) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you want to cry like a little girl, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death. (see Black Santa)
Redirect Ninja's uncyclopedia page to corpse.
Try the "Super Man Thing"See The Matrix. A word of caution with this one, it only works when 30 or more ninja are coming at you from all sides. It also requires you have the ability to fly up to a minimum height of 40 feet.
Pretend to be a ninja. Ninjas never attack fellows ninjas except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese...
If at all possible, always have a bonzai plant handy to give as an offering; Ninjas love bonzai plants.
Place your head between your legs and kiss your !!! good-bye. (highly recommended)
In summary. If a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the pearly gates with a WTF M8? look on your face. Don't worry though, ninja don't usually go after random targets, but just in case they decide to, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi", it just offends them.
[edit] What to do if a