Titled the thread such because it is in the spirit of both the holidays and of budo. It is also something that comes up in personal protection classes when the discussion turns to how one should "be" in the world.
Today I was reminded of what my friend and teacher Ellis Amdur has called: "the arrogance of young men." I might extend that to simply the comfortable arrogance of modern man, but in this case Ellis' comment fit perfectly.
The well-put-together family was in front of us in line at Starbucks. They had walked in just before us, and I had already taken note of the young man in the parking lot: he was good looking - would have fit right in with the band One Direction (yes, I know of such things....but I kinda like at least that one song.... : )) and seemed aware of this as he took his sweet time across the parking lot.
I was maneuvering my vehicle in the same lot, waiting for them to clear to get space to move into an open space. His nonchalance betrayed one of two things, or a mixture of both: utter ignorance of what was going on around him, or, more likely, utter disregard. HE had the right of way after all, so its up to everyone else to stop. I see this frequently and even have responded to accidents where a person's innate entitlement to such rights overrode their common sense about stepping in front of a vehicle that weighs many tons and can squash him on impact. This sense of entitlement, sense of "my right," overrides common sense and common courtesy in many cases.
It didn't change my approach - patiently wait, then move into my spot. But it did make him stand out.
And I come to see him again as my child and I are waiting at the barista station to pick up our drinks. His was called first. He walks up, tears his straw wrapper, but instead of removing it and discarding it he blows it off the end of his straw. It alights right next to my daughter, almost striking her in the face. Still no beef. He's a goofy kid.
But he said nothing. No apologies, no acknowledgement of "oops, sorry, that was rude." Par for the course.
Now I do nothing during such scenes. I've had people cut in line in front of me when I was in a hurry, steal my parking spaces, etc. In these cases I do nothing. It just isnt worth it. Partly it is because due to my line of work, an altercation over such things could have ramifications for me (as it has for some of my fellows), and I also know that far more people than you might realize lie about things, and are not above lying about me to get me in trouble.
If physical violence is afoot, or a blatant disrespect that needs to be addressed for safety's sake (sometimes these things are probes to see if you will react, and lack of reaction is a free pass to continue or escalate harassment) I will respond. These are very rare, and even those don't usually get physical. Otherwise, I reject the notion that I have any special dispensation to deal with things because I happen to be an off duty cop. If I respond at all it is to protect people, or myself, from injury.
But secondly, it is simply because we MADE this kind of man. We shelter them from any real consequences or actual violence, yet give them a sense of entitlement and make violence a game. Rude, arrogant people often are so with impunity because they face no repercussions.
Now some would say that I should have said something. Some would have made a comment, hoping to reach the young man, or meaning to learn him a lesson that his father clearly had not taught him. On the job I sometimes do that, but off duty I am not the behavior police.
Hundreds of years ago, when things were far more violent and studies have shown a much greater incidence of street violence with little provocation, such behavior would have gotten him blindsided and dumped on his skinny butt and then given a lesson in manners. But alas, dad would have jumped in, the knives would have come out, and the smell of blood would have shortly joined the aromas of coffee in the air.
And this is really what budo came from. Men who lived in this latter world, yet skillful enough and in control enough of their own use of violence to choose another way because they were tired of giving and receiving such lessons. Tired of the brutalization, tired of the strong eating weak meat.
This does not give this man, or any boorish person, a pass. Indeed, it makes them all the more culpable for such behavior. It does not seek out the root causes of the behavior, though it understands there are causes. It also recognizes that calling him out, or offering kind words, or a sudden beat down simply won't do anything to change that behavior in a brief personal encounter.
The only behavior we can change is our own.
