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Thread: Dr Manifeggsto's Guide to America

  1. #1
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Talking Dr Manifeggsto's Guide to America

    Reprinted with Full Permission From: Dr Manifeggsto's Encylopeadia of ALL World Knowledge
    United States of America
    Location: According to many of those who live there, the United States of America is at the geographical centre of the world, and indeed at the centre of the universe. It is, in reality, as far away from the UK as possible (see: History).
    Climate: Unusually warm for a country so far in the Northern Hemisphere. Scientists have put this down to a pervasive cloud of hot air of undetermined origin, though this cloud is densest around areas like New York, Los Angeles, Washington, the "Bible Belt", and several other areas.
    Population: Possibly as high as half a billion. Some say the figure is closer to three hundred million, but this fails to take into account the large number of Americans who cannot read censuses and who avoid paying tax (see: Economy, Education)
    History: The United States was founded by religious zealots who were persecuted in Europe after they ignored warnings to cease knocking door to door calling for bans on Macbeth ("clearly supports evil for it doth have a ghost in it") and A Midsummer's Night's Dream ("Satanic in scope and theme"). Their cause was not helped by their habit of illustrating the evils of these plays by handing out leaflets printed by one Johnathon T Fowlchild.
    The zealots, who were to become known as the Pilgrims, were exiled to the farthest corner of the Earth known at the time, except for South America - which was considered unsuitable as a place of punishment due to the habit of her natives of attempting to defeat their enemies by giving them gifts of gold until they fell over. Here, they were able to found their own nation based upon their culture and beliefs.
    Around a century and a half later, the British were taxing the colony to support her war against the French. The colony was seen as ideal to tax unfairly as no-one on the British mainland would argue that they didn't deserve it. They also felt that the colony, after more than 150 years of inbreeding, was too intellectually feeble to prove a match to the British army, a serious miscalculation.
    It was believed by some, including revolutionary figure and economic philosopher John Adams that the way to beat the British at their own game would be to form a trade bloc that would out-perform the mother country on the open market. It was decided that the best market to attempt to corner would be the cornerstone of the British breakfast: Tea.
    To launch their new enterprise, the world's biggest cup of tea (see: Economy) was created at Boston in 1774. Unfortunately, so much tea was put into the creation of this beverage that none was left to sell. It became, some argue, America's first, most disastrous, and shortest-lived economic venture.
    The new colony decided to stick with what they knew: shooting people.
    The British army arrived to attempt to quell the rebellion, but, in what would prove to be a catastrophic strategic error, allowed their soldiers -weary after spending months at sea- to watch some of the local American plays. After watching plays like "A Family of Eight (and Their Wise Servant) who do Face such Dilemmas such as: Should One Admit it was Their Skylarking Which Did Scratch Father's Horsecart?"; "Six Good Friends whose Romantic Machinations are Thinly Disguised by the Constant Barrage of Unfunny Wisecracks"; "The Adventures of Four who Live in New York who Make Jokes about the Location of their Pantaloons and Those who would Deny them Soup", the British army was hopelessly brain damaged, and forgot all their combat training. Instead, they marched down the main roads of towns and cities, with their uniforms adjusted so their suspenders formed a "X" over their chests, screaming "SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW! JUST SHOOT ME! (beghad) DO IIIIITTTTT!"
    And so it was that the nation of America was born.
    A while after this came the American Civil war, which was fought over the issue of: Should the Negro be Kept in Slavery, or Should They be Paid at Least $3.00* an Hour (and then Made to Pay Tax and Living Expenses). Four years later, economic commonsense, enforced with the judicious application of weapons, won the day.
    More recently, the United States of America was forced, with much reluctance, to participate in World War II. They helped defeated the Nazis, taking all credit for winning the war, conveniently overlooking the contribution of the British, the French Resistance, the Soviet Unions, etc, etc, etc. They then set their sites upon Japan. After losing some quarter of a million lives, the Americans felt that this "gettin' all kilt is for the God-damn birds" and bravely destroyed two civilian cities. Japan surrendered shortly afterwards, heralding the dawn of a new era.
    Then came America's darkest hour. The war waged against Vietnam cost America 50 000 lives, and was only twenty years after some other war in which 50 000 were killed- the theatre of which the author cannot remember at the time of writing. Amid protests and mounting casualties, the troops were called home, and America vowed never again to fight a nation who could fight back. Some revisionists have since claimed that the Vietnam war 'could have been won', overlooking the fact that although the war could have been won, it would only have been won after loss of lives, flying in the face of the dominant philosophy of the time to only fight nations with poorly organised, under-armed defences.
    Since then, the United States has had many military triumphs, including Panama (defeating hordes of angry, banana-wielding soldiers), Grenada (despite the name, had no grenades), Libya (using planes to avoid having sand blow in their soldiers' eyes), El Salvador (see Panama, substitute 'pineapple' for 'banana'), Somalia (managing to thwart the natives' strategy of using starved bodies to trip soldiers over and skin their elbows, though a few wind-borne starved corpses did manage to fell some helicopters), Afghanistan and Iraq (the most technologically innovative of America's recent enemies, employing the long bow and musket).
    Education: The United States is working to become one of the least educated countries in the world, believing that education is for 'them uppity types'. This has lead to a concerted campaign in the United States to reduce language to as few words as possible. Rather than invent new names for certain animals, for example, a hare is called a 'jackrarbit', a ground-dwelling rodent 'groundhawg', another ground-dwelling rodent 'prairie dawg', a creature which, to early settlers, resembled an African American stretched on a medieval torture device 'raccoon'.
    The United States has also simplified their language through the use of simpler spelling. "Colour", for example, has one too many letters for an American mind, it has been shortened to "color". Eventually, with concerted campaigning by politicians, the word will eventually be spelt "klr". United States President Harry S Truman was a true pioneer in the field of "spelling simplificationization," refusing to have any spelling in his middle name whatsoever.
    Some have argued that such a campaign is waste of time, since most Americans will never learn how to read anyway.
    Educational institutions in the United States are designed to teach children which shoes to buy (Nike), which soft drinks to consume (Pepsi or Coca Cola depending on the institution) and which clothes to wear (basically any clothes that is produced via sweatshop labour).
    Culture: As American social scientist Billy Bob Hogleg noted in his paper, "What We Is Like With Our Kulture And Sheee-it," The general population of the United States seeks the maximum amount of entertainmentificationization for the lowest level of caloric burnificationization. Hand-held computer games are somewhat popular, but Hogleg speculates that they will only truly reach their peak in popularity "when them scientist-types done make a game that can read yer mind like so ya don't have to push all them buttons and get yer thumbs sore."
    In the meantime, many Americans enjoy recreations such as: sitting on a lounge eating fatty foods and watching sports, sitting on a lounge eating fatty foods and watching unfunny sitcoms, sitting on a lounge eating fatty foods and watching live telecasts of the US military bombing a country that can't fight back (see: History).
    Two of these recreations are worth elaborating upon.
    Americans particularly enjoy sports that involve as little action as possible. One example of this is their love of "football" (better known to the civilised world as gridiron), where the ball is passed forward to minimise the amount of running players have to do (compare with rugby, where the ball is only allowed to be passed backwards), and team-mates spend most of their time hugging each other on the field attempting to incapacitate one another with their breath, befouled by fatty foods. In case there is too much action, risking a massive rate of caloric burnificationization for the players, the coaches call time-outs every fourteen seconds to ensure the players have plenty of time to keep their fatty food levels at the maximum. Another sport with similar objectives which is a favorite for many Americans is basketball. Again, this sport does have a high potential for caloric burnification, but again this risk is minimised by coaches' ingenious use of calling time out every fourteen seconds.
    Baseball does not use timeouts as excessively as other sports, but fortunately players are only ever required to run a few times in the game.
    Americans also like sitcoms, in which several characters sit on a lounge and yell at each other with very, very loud voices. Traditionally, Americans are required to laugh at certain points during the sitcom, however a problem presents itself whereby there is no actual cue to start laughing (compare with British sitcoms, where the audience laugh when they hear something funny). American sitcom producers combat this problem using specially genetically-engineered Americans who have been trained to laugh when a red light comes on. For doing this, they get a chiclet for every successful laugh.
    Some have argued that a new phenomena, the 'reality talk show' has challenged the sitcom as America's new form of entertainment. In fact, there are only very superficial differences. The characters still yell at each other in very, very loud voices, the lounge has be substituted for chairs, and the audience laughter at intervals has been substituted with whooping at intervals.
    Economy: America has one of the largest economies in the world, founded upon the simple notion that more is better. After World War II, it was discovered that there was a lot of money to be made in selling weapons. To convince her citizens that buying an awful lot of guns was a good thing, the notion was put about that guns were needed to defend against the government should they collectively have a brain snap and attempt to enforce a dictatorship without the use of planes, tanks, artillery, rocket launchers, flame throwers, and have their entire army march down the main street of town armed only with shot guns and red tunics with white crosses over their hearts, in clear view. The American population swallowed this notion hook, line and sinker without a second thought.
    This was proving to be a remarkable success. Not only was money being made in the weapons industry itself, but also through by-products of the industry such as medical supplies, prosthetic limbs and lawyers, the last point of which will be examined in some detail later.
    However, despite the wealth generated from this industry, the American economy was in grave danger of stagnation. Some economists, such as Thurber J Hackensmith, a student of John Adams, theorised that they key to a successful economy was convincing the American public to buy things they didn't need, and that where possible, larger was better.
    This lead to the creation of giant vehicles that use approximately a litre of petrol per kilometre, from the Cadillac to the more updated for maximum fuel inefficientizationification SUV. Fast food outlets in America sell products such as the triple-cheese-triple-bacon-quadriple-beef-deep-fried-double-chicken-fillet-with-all-animal-fats-and-offal burger** (which aids the economy further by keeping heart surgeons in business). One 'failure' so far has been the mobile telephone, a device which is becoming increasingly smaller. Some economists have argued against this point, stating that on one level, being packed with more features that no-one will ever use is effectively making them 'bigger'. Other economists have pointed out that mobile phones are a perfect demonstration of how money can be made by selling Americans things that they do not need: The argument being, Americans have such loud voices there is no place on the planet where one can go and not hear an American's voice without the aid of a phone of any description.
    One of the biggest growth industries in America is the lawyer, an evolutionary offshoot of homo sapiens sapiens. It has often been said among evolutionists that where there is a niche in nature, something will fill it. This is perhaps the lowest example of a niche being filled.
    Lawyers (homo sapiens parisiticus) have a limited form of low-level telepathy which it uses to convince large numbers of Americans that they need lawyers. By using this telepathy, they create the impression that their relationship with their hosts is a symbiotic one. Of course, as has been noted by just about everyone in the world, their relationship is completely parasitic.
    Once the host, or more commonly hosts, is completely stupefied, the lawyer convinces them that they are required to file a lawsuit. This can be over anything at all, from suing sock manufacturers because the host picked a pair of odd socks by accident in the morning before going to work (causing massive emotional trauma), to suing manufacturers of weapons for not warning that pointing a handgun at one's face before pulling the trigger can lead to unwanted facial improvements (causing massive emotional trauma). It is completely irrelevant whether or not the case is successful in American courts, a point often missed by a host in the thrall of a lawyer. The host usually forgets that the relationship is a purely parasitical one.
    Lawyers also use their telepathy to create the myth that their job is complex, exciting, rewarding, and that they aren't for the most part drunken half-bald overweight social misfits who denied themselves sex during their most sexually active years in favor of studying to become a lawyer.
    Americans, with the exception of African Americans (see: History), never pay tax, believing that the government should steal money from other countries to provide services which the American people use.
    Inventions and Innovations: The movie camera, discovered by Thomas Edison after he threw its inventor out of a train in Scotland; The fast-food hamburger, discovered by the board of directors of McDonalds after forcing its inventor out of business, and the cola soft drink, discovered by the board of directors of Coca-Cola after killing off the inventor of its secret formula and forcing him out of business.
    *Adjusted to today's figures. Original wage figure was originally framed as: "One God-damn stinkin' ground hog, found dead by the side of a road, per hour"
    ** Some Native Americans have commented that "this is not what we meant by 'you should use the whole animal and not waste it'", but it should be understood that Native Americans just don't get economics like Americans do.

  2. #2

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    Cheers,

    Mike

  3. #3
    BULLDOG Guest

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    Hello,

    A very interesting post.

    I realize that this site has participants from across the globe.

    May be I am fighting mad since hearing over this weekend how 13 US SOILDERS died as they where on their way for some well deserve R&R.

    May be I would love for you to come to my dojo and repeat those words to friends and family who had love ones die in our 911.

    Maybe I should just relax. NO. you have the right to post what you wish. I have the right to say:

    We may have our problems- We may not always be right.

    But when the world has a problem and needs it fix. Like Japan or the UK. It’s the USA that you come to ask for help then later to condemn.

    I have seen it all. From the good, to the bad and to the unthinkable in this world.

    For me, it’s the USA that I call home - It’s where I chose to live –It’s where I am raising my family – there is no other place that I rather be.

    I defend your right to state what you wish. It does not matter if I agree with it or not. It is the freedom of speechthat gives you that right -and- it is that right that many of us where and are willing to die for.

    I will also defend my right to state what I wish. I will also defend my country.

    So go ahead, have your fun. If we cannot laugh at ourselves then we do have a problem. But when the intent goes from simple jest to an all out attack then you have a problem – starting with me.

    GOD BLESS.

    BULLDOG {you do know what the bulldog represents in the USA? If not come over to Sarasota, Florida and we will play}
    Ed Barton

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    Well TK, you've done it again. Made another friend.
    Personally I found the post by TK to be hilarious.
    But then, I'm a liberal-agnostic-buddhist-hippie-type-pacifist, that finds humor in just about everything.
    C Parks

    "A man who will lie, there is no evil he will not do"

  5. #5
    Kimpatsu Guest

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    Ed Barton has no sense of humour.
    Why don't you come to Japan, Ed?
    Hey, Ed:

  6. #6
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    Am i the only one who thinks "British" when hearing the word "Bulldog"?

    To me Bulldog represents the spirit of not giving up shown by the British during World War 2 when it was having to battle Nazi Germany all by itself.

    And on the subject of freedom of speech;

    Does 'freedom of speech' include freedom of the press?

    If so, how come the press were banned from taking pictures of the coffins returning from Iraq? Apart from the obvious reason that it'd be bad publicity for George Bush?

    Before anyone goes off on one about privacy of the families, and them not wanting to see their son's/father's/brother's/friend's coffin all over the media, does it need a ban? Surely an appeal by the families for privacy would be sufficent? Why do your constitutional rights which you Americans hold so dear (quite rightly so in my opinion) have to be ignored?

    On the subject of TK's post, i thought it was very funny, very tongue in cheek, and anyone who took it seriously probably thought it struck a little too close to home.
    Huw Larsen

    Number 1 member of the Default Collective of Misfits

  7. #7
    rinpoche Guest

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    I for one am sick of people bashing the USA. You can say horrible things about any country on this planet.

    The united states is my country and I'm proud to live here. I don't agree with everything every American has ever done or will ever do. We are a country of over 300 million from many different races, creeds, cultures - so stereotyping Americans is ignorant.

    I would also say that those that bash the US should study the psychological phenomenon of projection. That is we attribute those things we hate most about ourselves to others inorder to deal with extremely low self esteem.

    I will not stand around while people say things like all blacks are criminals, all puerto ricans are lazy, all jews are greedy. That is racist, stereotypical and offensive. I fele the same way about the tired old arguments dragged out by the America bashers.

    I have travelled around the world and have found every country I have ever been to to have things both wonderful and horrible. You can examine the history of every country in the world and find horrible acts.

    You can bash our education system, but I live in Boston and I can tell you that every Fall Boston fills up with students from Japan coming to get some of our lousy education.

    Say what you want, but you are really speaking more about how you feel about yourself.

  8. #8
    Kimpatsu Guest

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    John Moore is another one with no sense of homour.
    Get a funnybone transplant, why don't you?

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    Well one thing I am sure that our forefathers might agree with me on...At least the redcoats could have taught us how to make beer before leaving. Oh I am sorry, they got kicked out.
    People shouldnt get all wound up with Tony's post, I can appreciate sensitivites in realtion to war, and 9/11...but remember Tony Blair has got troops there as well who are dying....maybe not in the same volume America has, but when Tony makes a post like that, it is no different to me than if an American made it! Yes Tony, when Japan can no longer stand you, you are welcome to come to America and live here! (HEHE) No more us vs. them from me..(except when it does come to "them"...LOL)
    Jon Gillespie

  10. #10
    n2shotokai Guest

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    While I found some of it humorous, some of it was meant to be insulting. In particular, points that were addressed multiple times. Sometimes people don't know when to let it go and / or have a strange sense of humor. That is when it ceased to be funny.

    Some people will never understand that. Consider the source and let it go.

  11. #11
    Kimpatsu Guest

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    Yeah, but we know you don't have a sense of humour either, Steve.
    "Jesus wept".

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    I thought it was pretty funny.
    David F. Craik

  13. #13
    n2shotokai Guest

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    Originally posted by Kimpatsu
    Yeah, but we know you don't have a sense of humour either, Steve.
    "Jesus wept".
    If you spent any time with me, you would know better. But thankfully that will probably never happen. No, I am not taking the bait.

    Some people learn from their mistakes. Some people will never admit they made a mistake.

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    heheheheheheh!

    Tony, perhaps you could make the US whingers happier if you were to post a similar guide to the UK? Even if you were diabolically ENGLISH to write one on Scotland alone I am sure I would still find it funny.

    In any event, for those of you that are so worried about 'America bashing' please re-read TK's post as I don't think the British were portrayed in a much more favourable light. Is this a case of people only seeing what they want to see? Sheeesh!

    For those Americans who have temporarily lost their sense of humour (sorry, 'humor') over this can I please remind you that the UK has sent its soldiers to fight and die alongside yours? Can I also add - as an ex-British Army soldier who had a hell of a struggle with his conscience as to whether I should re-enlist and try to go to Iraq - that I find the the conflict in Iraq repugnant and the justifications put forth by the US and UK governments to be bordering on criminal? Anyone care to tell me I can't have this opinion?
    Hugh Wallace

    A humble wiseman once said, "Those who learn by the inch and talk by the yard should be kicked by the foot."

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    "Waiter...Waiter... I think there's a tempest in my teacup!"

    As an American, I actually found it quite funny.
    The part about the redcoats being driven out of their minds by subjecting them to American entertainment was quite a nice touch.

    Chill, folks.
    Krzysztof M. Mathews
    http://www.firstgearterritories.com

    Every place around the world it seemed the same
    Can't hear the rhythm for the drums
    Everybody wants to look the other way
    When something wicked this way comes

    "Jeremiah Blues, Part 1"
    Sting-The Soul Cages

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