Likes Likes:  0
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3
Results 31 to 40 of 40

Thread: The Christmas Thread (already)!

  1. #31
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Default

    Originally posted by Will Northcote
    I refer you to the post I gave earlier on today about my education.
    Wot edyakeshun?

  2. #32
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Trippin'
    Posts
    4,373
    Likes (received)
    3

    Default

    The one that I referred you to some moments ago.

  3. #33
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Default

    Originally posted by Will Northcote
    The one that I referred you to some moments ago.
    Don't you mean, "The one to which I referred you some moments ago", Mr. Chumley-Warner. Or, as Churchill wrote, "Up with this I will not put".
    And I repeat, wot edyakeshun?

  4. #34
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Trippin'
    Posts
    4,373
    Likes (received)
    3

    Default

    What? you had no education? You poor poor man. Allow me to let my deranged and slightly weird doctor to inject some culture into you.

  5. #35
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Default

    Originally posted by Will Northcote
    What? you had no education? You poor poor man. Allow me to let my deranged and slightly weird doctor to inject some culture into you.
    What kind of culture? Botulus? Chlamydia? Athelete's foot?

  6. #36
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Default

    'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THE ENGINEERS WERE
    ASLEEP


    'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
    annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of
    residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
    possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic
    rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).

    Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
    wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
    pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
    philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
    honorific title of St. Nicholas.

    The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
    respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing
    subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit
    confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

    My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
    coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
    hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of
    the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I
    felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
    the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

    Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
    sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar
    brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a
    recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of
    the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous
    optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
    conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus
    Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and
    nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed
    our anticipated caller.

    With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly
    have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
    predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically
    through contracted lips, and addressed each of the octet by his
    or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
    guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode,
    through which structure I could readily distinguish the
    concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

    As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
    performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
    achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry
    by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts
    soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
    fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
    resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
    plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a
    commodious cloth receptacle.

    His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
    submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
    amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
    appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the
    subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of
    Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or
    sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing
    so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial
    adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of
    frozen water.

    Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose
    gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were
    suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage
    was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
    his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
    impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
    short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
    gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
    frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
    rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his
    head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my
    part was groundless.

    Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
    aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the
    aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his
    aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
    Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
    placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
    olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
    leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating
    (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a
    short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
    air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
    quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
    hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a
    common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
    immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
    visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and
    to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a
    salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
    between sunset and dawn."

    ('Twas the Night Before Christmas - Written by a technical writer
    working on a Government contract.
    Source:
    http://www.zellich.com/xmas/xmas13.html )

  7. #37
    Chiburi Guest

    Default

    Oh my God, Tony! My stiff Finnish tongue cramped up when I attempted to mumble out those words! I HATE BRITS!!! I HAAAAATE BRITS!!! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HEEELL!!!

    Kidding aside, that text was rather entertaining! Took a while to get some of the sentences, though... :P

    Hilarious christmas to you all, and a happy new year!

    Tony, be easy on those schoolgirls, will you?

    Cheers,

  8. #38
    Kimpatsu Guest

    Default Santa's Last Christmas

    From
    Mad magazine:
    Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
    that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
    inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
    the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

    I opened a beer as I watched TV,
    where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
    the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
    or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

    While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
    'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
    "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
    "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

    When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
    'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
    I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
    and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

    Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
    was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
    he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
    Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

    But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
    I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
    called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
    and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."

    I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
    and he poured out the following tale of despair;
    "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
    but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

    "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
    and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
    although I would like to continue to use them,
    the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."

    "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
    and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
    I now must wear seat belts, despite my objections,
    and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

    "Last April my workers came forth with demands,
    and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
    I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
    so the misses and I did the work ourselves."

    "And then, later on, came additional trouble--
    an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
    my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
    they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."

    "And after that came an I.R.S audit;
    the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
    they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
    which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

    "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
    flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
    not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
    taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

    "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
    I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
    And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
    it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

    He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
    and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
    "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
    but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

    He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
    and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
    "no longer can I do the job that's required;
    if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".

  9. #39
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Trippin'
    Posts
    4,373
    Likes (received)
    3

    Default

    Tony reads Mad? Figures...

  10. #40
    bruceb Guest

    Default All done ....

    Christmas comes but once a year, now its here, now its here,

    Bringing lots of joy and .....

    Wait a minute ...

    Almost six pm, Christmas day? Time to wash the dishes, put my feet up on my desk and check out the threads.

    Christmas ... is .... over! Eh- yep! Whoo- hoo! Now for New Years! Hoo-Ray!!!

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •