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23rd December 2003, 23:41
#31
Originally posted by Will Northcote
I refer you to the post I gave earlier on today about my education.
Wot edyakeshun?
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23rd December 2003, 23:46
#32
The one that I referred you to some moments ago.
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23rd December 2003, 23:49
#33
Originally posted by Will Northcote
The one that I referred you to some moments ago.
Don't you mean, "The one to which I referred you some moments ago", Mr. Chumley-Warner. Or, as Churchill wrote, "Up with this I will not put".
And I repeat, wot edyakeshun?
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23rd December 2003, 23:51
#34
What? you had no education? You poor poor man. Allow me to let my deranged and slightly weird doctor to inject some culture into you.
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24th December 2003, 01:22
#35
Originally posted by Will Northcote
What? you had no education? You poor poor man. Allow me to let my deranged and slightly weird doctor to inject some culture into you.
What kind of culture? Botulus? Chlamydia? Athelete's foot?
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24th December 2003, 01:30
#36
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THE ENGINEERS WERE
ASLEEP
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of
residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic
rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing
subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit
confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of
the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I
felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar
brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a
recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of
the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous
optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus
Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and
nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed
our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly
have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically
through contracted lips, and addressed each of the octet by his
or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode,
through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry
by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts
soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a
commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the
subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of
Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or
sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing
so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial
adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of
frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose
gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were
suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage
was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my
part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the
aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a
short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a
common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and
to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a
salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
('Twas the Night Before Christmas - Written by a technical writer
working on a Government contract.
Source:
http://www.zellich.com/xmas/xmas13.html )
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24th December 2003, 01:45
#37
Oh my God, Tony! My stiff Finnish tongue cramped up when I attempted to mumble out those words! I HATE BRITS!!! I HAAAAATE BRITS!!! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HEEELL!!!
Kidding aside, that text was rather entertaining! Took a while to get some of the sentences, though... :P
Hilarious christmas to you all, and a happy new year!
Tony, be easy on those schoolgirls, will you?
Cheers,
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24th December 2003, 01:53
#38
Santa's Last Christmas
From
Mad magazine:
Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of despair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seat belts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the misses and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
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24th December 2003, 10:06
#39
Tony reads Mad? Figures...
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25th December 2003, 22:48
#40
All done ....
Christmas comes but once a year, now its here, now its here,
Bringing lots of joy and .....
Wait a minute ...
Almost six pm, Christmas day? Time to wash the dishes, put my feet up on my desk and check out the threads.
Christmas ... is .... over! Eh- yep! Whoo- hoo! Now for New Years! Hoo-Ray!!!
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