I hate Etiquette.
The first of a depressingly long sequence. Your patience, if given, is appreciated.
I hate etiquette.
I don't mean the simple things that help clear my mind before practice and foster an attitude of respect for the art I practice, for the head teacher and those sensei who have helped me along the way, and for my fellow dojo-trainers. These things I like quite a bit: bowing in at the door of the dojo, carrying a sword correctly, listening attentively and watching more intensely when my superiors speak or move, bowing to the hand-written scroll our head teacher gave to the dojo--these things help my training mind. And in a certain sense, they are natural for me since they are natural to the time and occasion; like taking the napkin from my plate to my lap as soon as I sit down for dinner or knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent in a group, like holding the door open for someone regardless of sex or simply doing the ol' redneck wave when I pass someone driving in the country (you'll know what I mean if you've grown up like that). Each of these are small things but are reflections of larger values and so I treasure them and will try to pass them on as they were passed on to me. I have been told that I'm a "nice guy", "with grace" and "considerate," by those who have first met me. Generally people have a fair-to-positive impression of me at first meeting, so I've been told. Though my longtime girl-friend who knows me much better than anyone else-- and who can judge my character more completely and accurately-- calls me a "curmudgeon thirty years early", or simply a grouch, I am fortunate enough to have been trained in certain habits to get by in such situations, and for these things I am grateful.
So that's not what I hate.
What I can't stand is something deeper, more complex and more frustrating to deal with. Several times I've been in a situation where good breeding and the etiquette I know make no difference. Situations where those manners my grandmother taught me don't help. Situations of cross-cultural encounters and misunderstandings and, as a result, a gradual perception that I have had a minor failure in etiquette and therefore a potentially major failure of character. To be caught in such situations, to put it simply, sucks.
Some situations that sometimes come to mind easily illustrate:
I was fortunate, at the moronic age of 21, to meet one of the highest ranking Aikido sensei in America. He also taught iaido, and I was observing for the first time a class at his dojo. He was extremely friendly, and all accounts of his character I've ever read were positive. While I had a few years of experience in martial arts under my mixed-martial-art belt (years that have served me well in other situations), for the first time I was encountering a different way of doing things, and different tools to get about that way. And when he asked me if I was interested in joining an Aikido class, I said I was interested in joining Iaido.
A small thing. But his demeanor changed, and I knew vaguely I'd made a mistake. From my point of view, it's entirely understandable: here was an art unlike anything I'd seen and it drew me to it in a new and unfamiliar way. I was simply showing my preference for something that unaccountably drew me. But it wasn't his art, in the sense that I was refusing to learn from someone who had been one of Ueshiba's private students, who had brought this art he devoted his life to, to a new place, on his own—a history I didn't know at the time, and I regret not being smart enough to educate myself before. I was too eager for the wrong thing and he refused me, for reasons I will never know for certain, but can guess at them. I don't know what Iaido meant to him, but the larger loss was to not find out what Aikido meant to him. In the end, I did train, more affordably and consistently for a short time, under one of his highest ranked students at a different dojo, and I kept thinking about JSA for five years until I did finally start. Perhaps it's for the best--I wasn't able to stay with him long enough to really understand much of anything, and my patience has paid off--I'm perhaps more serious about JSA now then I would have been then.
But I will never forget the way his attitude changed, and I probably never should.
Last edited by nicojo; 20th November 2004 at 20:41.
J. Nicolaysen
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"I value the opinion much more of a grand master then I do some English professor, anyways." Well really, who wouldn't?
We're all of us just bozos on the budo bus and there's no point in looking to us for answers regarding all the deep and important issues.--M. Skoss.