25 things that make you feel like a man

[MikeWilliams]

Found on another forum. Richard and Harvey, you'll like this!


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25 things that make you feel like a man

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,
open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars
are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball
and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
- noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat
on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge.
You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pi$$ed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams) but with that much cash you feel
like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. Doors."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss.
"Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh1t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

[urbalte]

Found on another forum. Richard and Harvey, you'll like this!


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25 things that make you feel like a man

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

In the hospital? More likely scenario is "Missed you while you were locked up."
Or, for those friends of Ashida Kim....."Missed you while you were in the nut house."

[monkeyboy_ssj]

Can I add some?

BBQ: 5 men stand in a circle about the best way to cook meat, get back to the microwave and fridge with your fat free yogurts where you belong woman.

First Morning Fart: The very first fart of the morning where bending down to put your socks on, 8 hours of brewing time. Classic.

Buying Safety boots with steel toe caps. Kicking stuff in the shop to test them, everyone knows you are off you knock down something heavy in 30 minutes.

Going into a shop, buying some jeans, walking out. Male shopping takes 5 minutes, not a day.

Overtaking in your car. Only a real man can do it and make it look good with good Clutch to Accelerator ratio when changing gear.

[Friday]

Peter Kays Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad

Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?!

[Frank Delisle]

Ahhh Yes!!

Calling someone "son!"

I do it as a pure demonstration of my superiority over mere mortals Anytime someone, young or old, behaves in a manner that isn't masculine, they get the "Alright, son. I didn't ask whether you liked it, I just asked you to do it."

[Shitoryu Dude]

Your forgot picking up the hottest babe in the bar.

For that "greatest stud in the universe feeling", getting her to do something illegal in several southern states before the sun comes up.

[Maro]

Class!



I've always loved Peter Kay's work but I caught the last series of Phoenix Nights when I was back in the UK

[Chuck.Gordon]

Maybe a thin piece of wood is fine for you, but I've always relied on something, ahem, more substantial.

Oh, wait. You were talking about stirring PAINT, eh?

Well, then. Depends on what you want to stir, dunn't it?

Ahem.

cg

[monkeyboy_ssj]

A true Martial Artist would use a Bokken or Shinai to stir his paint. If you are uber l33t then maybe a Bo.

[william northcote]

A true Martial Artist would use a Bokken or Shinai to stir his paint. If you are uber l33t then maybe a Bo.

Naaa. A real man would get the women to do it. After all, women know how to stir gossip, so stirring paint is a plus.

[monkeyboy_ssj]

A woman!?! Stirring paint?!?! With their weak arms I doubt they could do it, they would probably sneak in some pink dye in there too...

[william northcote]

Oh no. they need the exercise. All women do all day is sit around waxing their legs, plucking the eyebrows out and generally complaining. Let them do some work. After all, us men know how to do Ikea kits without instructions.

[Evan London]

You guys are all off track! A real man stirs paint with a POWER TOOL!!!! I've got the Mikita 12 amp cordless drill with the special pain stirring attachment. That bad boy will mix up a can or paint so quick you woun't even have time to blink. Which, of course, leaves me with extra time to drink another beer...

mmmmm...beeeerrrrr.....

[Bambi]

A true Martial Artist would use a Bokken or Shinai to stir his paint. If you are uber l33t then maybe a Bo.

I used to have to hide my jo from the old man as he thought it was an excellent paint stirring device. Hence the manly rule: any piece of wood in your house is by default your property.

Some more manly advice:

theres must be paint thinners on your premises at all time.

It is your solemn duty to light fags off the cooker whenever possible.

You may interrupt any womans or adolescents tv viewing by marching in and declaring that the footballs on as you change the channel. This is not negotiable.

If you walk in on said match you may ask any other men present what the score is. Under no circumstances will you ask who's playing.

If you're drinking at a bar where there is no actual "bar" you will still try place your foot on it every five minutes and look perturbed every time you realise that there's nothing there.

There is no need to discuss who's round it is. As a man, you instinctively know when it's your shout

[monkeyboy_ssj]

I've got the Mikita 12 amp cordless drill with the special pain stirring attachment.

*Simpson's Comicbook Store Guy voice*

Best...typo........ever.