How To Become A Koryu Instructor!!!

[Paul Steadman]

*NB: The following post is not to be taken seriously ie. it's a joke!

1- Whatever you do, don't find a legitimate koryu sensei/dojo in your country or take a trip to Japan to locate one. You can tweak your current gendai-budo skills to look and act like koryu.

2- Join the International World Kokusai Koryu Bujutsu/Bugei/Budo Renmei Kyokai Association of Sensei/Shihan/Soke Federations. It only costs US$25- and they'll send you a beautiful certificate '...suitable for framing,' and an embroidered patch for your uniform. The IWKKBBBRKA probably also offers video grading srevices.

3- Shave your head, and tell your students (& prospectives) that you are a Buddhist, smile all knowingly when asked if you are Mahayana or Thereveda, or when asked what sect etc.

4- Go to koryu seminars and get yourself photographed with sensei/soke from Japan (post these on your web-site and scan them into your brochures etc).

5- Read all of Donn F. Draegers' books and memorise the glossary/terminology section. This is very important. If you are a computer-wiz, maybe you could scan and stitch a photo of yourself into a D. Draeger photograph as well.

6- Make up a koryu sounding name for your school, such as: Tenchi Shinden Shinto Ryu (Heaven/Earth= UNIVERSAL, new/tradition= MODERN, true/way= SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, style). Make sure you use the wrong kanji, and make sure the printers/sign-writers display it back the front or up-side down. No one will know the difference.

7- Inform your students that they are not allowed to wear hakama or blue keikogi until they are black-belts. Are not allowed to train with bokken until they reach green-belt. Are not allowed to train with katana until brown-belt (and only with shinken, when thay reach 2'd dan. You know, spread out the curriculum so they'll never catch up to you. And that way you don't have to teach your skills as much.

8- When asked where you learnt your koryu skills from, tell them about the two Japanese fishermen who were stranded on the shore, having helped them out, they taught the first non-japanese they came across the secrets of their ryu. Obviously you have miss-placed your densho/menjo etc. But the IWKKBBBRKA has a copy on file.

9- Now it's time to tweak your current skills to make them koryu. If you are skilled in Arnis/Eskrima type techniques you could re-name them Nicho-Tanbo or Nicho-Tebo (double short sticks or double-hand sticks), a rare and little-known weapon as used by rural or provincial ji-samurai who could not always afford the more elaborate and decorative weapons of the buke. If you are skilled in karate-do, throw in some judo and aikido techniques stir over low heat and serve up as jujutsu (you know, you've got your striking + throwing / jointlocking x pinning = koryu jujutsu formula).

10- Don't show your students too much (beside catching up to you and maybe even surpassing you!), you want them to keep coming back for more. Tell them if they keep training hard and act on your every whim, soon you'll show them the okuden/oku-iri/okugi techniques, but only when they have proven themselves worthy.

11- Although not related to koryu matters, don’t forget to mention your military, special-forces, police, law enforcement and security experience. Give a special mention of your involvement with unarmed combat and weapons defence instruction to county and state police, SWAT, FBI etc and military units such as SEALS, Rangers, Green Berets, SAS etc.

Unless I get flamed or booted out of E-Budo for the above. I'll post some more hints in the future. All the best.

Regards,

Paul Steadman

PS: I've actually met instructors who have done similar things to the above without batting an eye-lid and swear black & blue that it is true. Personally I don't know what the Skoss', D. Lowry and W. Muramoto are complaining about...JUST KIDDING (joking)!

[Rolling Elbow]

They will destroy you here as they did me when I posted "offensive material" in the Karate forum..

[ghp]

Paul,

Absolutely a GREAT post! Laughed myself right out of seiza, while my humble, docile, supplicants were serving green tea. I'll scold them later for a burnt lap -- maybe bury them up to their chins in sand (serves them right!). For the time being, they're washing my keikogi and cleaning my sword (as a world master -- shave-headded, no less -- I can't deign to stoop and maintain up my own weapons).

And although I only graduated Ranger School, Airborne School, and Air Assault School (but was never assigned to a Ranger Battalion)--- why can't I tell my students I was an Airborne Ranger? Waaaaaahhh!

Sheesh -- you've just ruint my livelihood -- now I'll not make as much money I'm raking in now! Uh-oh, have to get back to you later ... there goes someone walking past the dojo who looks like he needs my direction in life.

Regards,
Guy
(I'm waiting to hear the rest of your hints)

[Okami]

Respect Paul!

This is far the best post I´ve read in this forum (well, if you except some posts of Mr.Collins ).Serious or not it´s great,I want more of it!

Great!



Some things to consider too:

-If you´re saying you´re a zen master you should hit your student from time to time with a wooden stick

-You should change your non-japanese name to a japanese one

-You should get ,from time to time,letters from you secret grandmaster (you can read them in front of your class)

-You should at least be soke of two systems and shihan in at least four...

and so on....

[hyaku]

Nice work. Loved it, particularly the Photo bit

As a Kobudo(Koryu) teacher/student in Japan it certainly did not offend me. When I got an Internet connection, surfed around and joined some forums I was frankly shocked to see how many copy/rip off artists there were. I bellittles all the years off hard work I have put in. I actually changed my whole way of life to do what I do now and came on the Internet thinking that I could make some relevant contribution from what I had learned.?@

Actually we have given up on Hakamas, because we cannot see what the teacher or students the doing with their legs.Dare say someone will follow suit soon enough.

Do draw the line at wearing builders Tabi indoors. Wearing anything on the feet indoors is an absolute no no unless you are an old grandad who feels the cold in the winter training months.

Hyakutake Colin

[Joachim]

Great Post Paul,
but obviouisly, you forgot

6b-Make sure, your newfound "oldest ryu of Japan" is using a Kyu/Dan ranking system, along with colored belts. This way you can charge more money for the graduation ceremonies and the fancy colours will keep your students hypnotized and unable to ask anything disturbing about your credentials.

You can be of obvious Korean descent and perform the tea ceremony for your graduating black belt wearing the Dai-sho and a neon orange karate gi; in front of an audience of five hundred. (Can any one say Sun Hang Do?)

[gmellis]

You mean i came all this way to Japan for nothing, when i could have been Grand Super Fly Soke of the Debu-no-Aho Ha of TSKSR???!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner? I will pack my bags immediately and rush home! Well, at least i have lots of pictures with the Shihan and Soke to use as evidence of my mastery (and i don't even have to hire someone to doctor them up!). "Thanks Paul Steadman. You've changed my life!" <corny info-mmerical voice and plastic smile holding up IWKKBBBRKA degree>.

[Ron Tisdale]

This Is Not A Flame.....

By Popie;

"You'll be flamed in some manner, believe you me. Talking from experience, I innocently took the otherside of a agrugement in a koyru discussion and they broke out the flame throwers. I thought what you wrote was entertaining, so please don't stop posting if you do get flamed. "

Well, it seems you were wrong. I suggest the difference between this post and many of yours (some have been *much* more cogent and understandable lately) is the clear lable of humor, and the lack of "bad intent". There is a very different nature to many of your posts; it is hard to spell it out (sometimes because of the language you use), but the difference is there none the less.

But, as I said, some of your latest posts were very understandable, and even made some good points (not that I agreed with them necessarily).

Ron Tisdale