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Thread: Anybody want to teach these guys?

  1. #1
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    Default Anybody want to teach these guys?

    A bit of levity for the day. For some reason, I have people wanting to study with me. I donít go out of my way to be noticeable, nor do I try and be too helpful on line or in any public forum. My behavior is geared to discourage people in fact. I donít advertise, I only have my name appearing as a contact for Bernie Lau on EJMAS.com in an article by Joe Svinth and on the odd seminar flyer. Yet somehow, I have people looking for me.

    After talking to Toby Threadgill, Rich Elias, and Doug Walker about this while swilling beer and assorted wee drams at a recent seminar. I dug into my email archive to sharw a few of the requests Iíve received, and some of my responses. Before anyone jumps on my butt about being rude, Iím gracious to those who are polite in their requests. The idiots, well, I canít help but have a bit of fun at their expense.

    --
    Iím interested in joining your dojo. Tell me how much you charge, time of classes, and if I need a kimona.
    ==
    Thanks for your inquiry. Iím currently not accepting students. I simply donít have the time or space for more students. Please check back in a short time and if the situation has changed, Iíll be happy to meet with you and discuss your training with me. BTW, itís kimono, and you would actually need a keiko-gi, not a kimono.
    --
    Follow up email received.
    There are plenty of schools that would be happy to have me join! Why should I wait for you? Who do you think you are?
    ==
    Iím the guy who you want to train with. Why should you wait for me? Well, ask around about me and that should answer that question. But as I said, I donít have time or space for any new students now. If you donít want to wait, then let me help you in your efforts to find a school quickly. The following is a list of schools that most likely would be happy to have you join them. Good luck and I hope you find a school you enjoy.

    --
    I got your name from the website. I also had a friend tell me you kick !!!. When can I start classes?
    ==
    Thank you for your confidence in my !!! kicking skills. Iím only taking students with references from people I know and respect as martial artists and teachers who can kick !!!. If you would be good enough to tell me what website you got my name from, and the name of your friend who told you I can kick !!!, that would be a good place to start discussions about your joining the dojo and learning to kick !!!.
    --
    After researching Seattle area schools, I would like to study with Bernie Lau. I got your name as the contact for Bernie from the EJMAS.com site. I am a doctor and I have recently relocated to Seattle.. I will need to have morning classes to accommodate my schedule. Reply back as to what you can do to meet my needs.
    ==
    While I appreciate the desire to study, Bernie is not taking students and only teaches privately. I am teaching but only have evening classes. Iíll be happy to meet with you and see if I can help. For now, I suggest 2 Cranes and Aikido Eastside if you need morning classes and you are interested in aikido. Iím not sure who has morning jujutsu classes around town.
    --
    Follow up email received.
    Why donít you start a morning class? A good business should make every attempt to satisfy their customers! I donít see what your problem is with my request!
    ==
    Sir, I can appreciate your desire, but Iím not here to satisfy customers. Iím here to teach to the best of my ability, to try and pass on what my sensei taught me. I do this as best fits my life and schedule, just as you do in balancing your work, family, and friends. As a doctor, would you like me, as a patient, to want appointments only at night to fit my schedule?

    Perhaps I should start a morning class just for you. Do you require me to have coffee and doughnuts for you as well? If so, please respond and tell me if you take cream and sugar in your coffee, and your doughnut preferences. I like old fashioned doughnuts and apple fritters myself, and take cream and sugar in my coffee.

    Sarcasm aside, I would be happy to help, provided you are willing to work with me, since Iíll be the one teaching, and not expect me to accommodate you. If so, then please, feel free to contact me to see if anything can be worked out.
    --
    I saw on the internet you had trained by people who are good. How do I know you are any good before I start classes? I donít want to waste my time if you are not any good.
    ==
    Sir , since you are a beginner obviously, you have no way of knowing if I am any good. If you would like to come visit, Iíll be happy to have you come by and watch class. But if that still doesnít assure you of my skills, then Iíll try to point you in the right direction to find someone who will not waste your time. Or perhaps you can find some one you think is good and have them come with you to visit. I can fight them and if I win, you will be satisfied as to my skill level. Keep in mind that still wonít mean I can teach worth a damn or not and I could still be wasting your time. Looking forward to meeting you. Please let me know when you would like to come visit!
    --
    Where is your dojo? I would like to start classes. Only I donít want to join if you have any women in the dojo.
    ==
    While I donít have women in the dojo at this time, I would not accept any student who doesnít want women in the dojo. Thanks for asking and good luck in your search for a school.
    --
    Follow up email received.
    Fag!
    --
    I read about Bernie and you on the website. Is Bernie still teaching? I would prefer to train with him and not you, because you donít have any articles on you anywhere so I donít know anything about you. But if Bernie isnít teaching, I guess you will do. Where is your dojo and what times do you have classes?
    ==
    Gee, Iím super, thanks for asking! Iím glad I meet your expectations as a substitute since you canít have the real thing. I happy that Iíll do, that is a trait I share with many drunk lonely people in bars at closing time. However, I hardly think that is the proper attitude to have towards some one who is supposed to be teaching you.

    Bernie is not teaching. If he were, heíd probably turn you down as well with the approach you used. Please consider how you phrase things more carefully and Iím sure you will get better responses from people you approach as a potential student.

  2. #2
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    Neal,

    Thanks for sharing! Pretty amusing!

    "How long before I can kick someone's !!!?"

    "How long do I have to be here before I learn how to run up walls?"

    I'm sure there are others that could dump some pretty good ones out there!

    Common, Folks! Cough 'em up!
    Respectfully
    Mark W. Swarthout, Shodan

  3. #3
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    Default

    "I'm not interested in empty-hand skills;I only want have time for tanto-jutsu."
    Aaron J. Cuffee


    As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
    - H.L. Mencken

  4. #4
    SoRelle Guest

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    Wow those people are pretty sad

  5. #5
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    Default

    I'll play! Here's a couple of the more interesting ones. The only thing I've altered is to remove names ...

    Hello,
    My name is (deleted) and I am 14 years old.l will be 15 May 1st. I have been in to martial arts/ samurai was about 9 years old. I was wondering a couple of things...because I was a student of battojutsu, but it was hard learning due to the fact that 1.My sensei spoke little english. and 2. He almost didn't teach me...due to the fact he lived in japan. He taught me over the internet. Anyway...about a year ago he died. It was tragic but I have come to accept it. I have a couple of questions for you.

    1.Where areocated?

    2.Does it cost money?

    3.Is it ok for heavyset people to train? (I had a friend who was a kendoka and he was HUGE...not that I am making fun of him...and he was good...)

    4.Do you train so you can have self-defense? Or are you into the way of the samurai?

    REPLY : I'm terribly sorry, but we don't accept children. Please keep us in mind if you are still interested in a few years.

    My name is (deleted) and my son is interested in training in Kenjutsu. I was wondering if it is at all possible for him to try it out tonight before he signs up.

    REPLY: No. I'm terribly sorry but we don't teach children.

    I've gotten quite a few from obviously younger individuals writing in "chat room" language. You know, where they use no punctuation and abbreviate the words. I just delete those and don't bother to reply.

    Have you noticed how people tend to get upset when you tell them you aren't "selling" a commodity. While I understand that most people don't get the whole martial arts thing, it kind of cracks me up when you tell them that you aren't selling something that they can have just because they want to 'buy' it. It's as if you told them that they have ugly money or something.
    Paul Smith
    "Always keep the sharp side and the pointy end between you and your opponent"

  6. #6
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    Good criminy, Neil!

    You are such much nicer via email than you are in person!

    Although your acerbic wit shows through, I'm sad these miscreants didn't have the opportunity to see the pattented Yamamoto Thoroughly Disgusted Look (tm).
    John Connolly

    Yamamoto Ha Fluffy Aiki Bunny Ryu

  7. #7
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    While the requests were amusing I was more inpressed with the patience of the responses,even when your wit leaked through.

    Thanks for sharing
    Howard Thiery

  8. #8
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    I alwasy encourage them to come in...so I or one of the guys can choke them out.

    Aaron Fields

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  10. #9
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    Talking Geez man, you really are the...

    Oni... poor people, all they are looking for is some guidance and you crush their souls... bwahahahaha er... BTW, machine should finally be ready soon, and we can get you that footage.

    Be well,
    Jigme
    Jigme Chobang Daniels
    aoikoyamakan at gmail dot com

  11. #10
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    Ha! I got an email [probably] from the same guy who said he did not want a dojo with women in it!

    must have been scouring around seattle...

    -j

    *edited to add the following story*

    i got a phone call once from a guy who wanted to "wrestle". he was a middle aged guy who wanted me to come to his hotel, help him move the furniture out of the way and wrestle so he could get "sweaty and exhausted".

    i told him i am not a "wrestling" school.
    John R. Stebbins
    Seattle Kobukan
    Matsumura Kenpo
    seakobukan@matsumurakenpo.org
    http://www.matsumurakenpo.org

  12. #11
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    Aaron's uwagi has its own aura. Does that count as a selling feature?

  13. #12
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    Default For the long-suffering sensei out there...

    I will be happy to let any of you be my sensei provded that you move to Arizona and teach me at half rate. I am sure that Ill be your best student because I have mad skillz that R()X()RZ!! Don't let this opportunity pass you by. All you have to do is show me that ur ready and willing to step up to home plate and be my teacher down here in the desert.

    I don't care what you teach as long as I KIX AX!! and TAKE NAMEZ!! And you should know that sometimes my schedule is too busy for me to show up even tho you rent ur own space. You should be ther anyway if ur a good sensei. Please PM me for details. I can set you up!! I already have four black belts from videos because I watched some movies one time. I am expert in Brus Li's system, but I am willing to let you teach me some knew skillz. I am specfully intersted in the Japanese Ways of the Ashigaru Sworsdslayers. Do you have a soke or are you the only one? I already have my sword its Duncan Mclod's.

    Hey as long as I cna pay I get my bb (blackbelt), rite? lets be biznessmen about it.

    ----------
    that was a joke BTW. No pms please. All appreciations and sympathies for teachers in any discipline.
    J. Nicolaysen
    -------
    "I value the opinion much more of a grand master then I do some English professor, anyways." Well really, who wouldn't?

    We're all of us just bozos on the budo bus and there's no point in looking to us for answers regarding all the deep and important issues.--M. Skoss.

  14. #13
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    Those were great to read. Why do I never get nutcases like that.

    Especially liked this part:


    He almost didn't teach me...due to the fact he lived in japan. He taught me over the internet. Anyway...about a year ago he died. It was tragic but I have come to accept it.
    Rogier van der Peijl

    REAL SCOTSMEN WEAR KILTS because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!

    Originally posted by Cady Goldfield
    Ah, what a cutie, Rogier. I'll bet a lot of ladies in Netherlands are mourning because you are out of circulation now!

  15. #14
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    All I can say is wow. Is showing someone proper respect a thing of the past?

    My favorite is the kid who was instructed over the internet.
    Michael Shehan
    Shorinji Kempo
    Ann Arbor Branch
    www.shorinjikempo.com

  16. #15
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    Hey Neil, how dare you post my e-mail on the internet! Just kidding.

    Reminds me of something I witnessed a few years ago. It was less than 3 months after our dojo's Japanese shihan had passed away, and we had just moved the dojo to a new, temporary street level storefront location from our old 2nd story space, so everyone was wound pretty tight. Especially the senior students, some of whom had been practicing with Sensei since he came to the US in the early 70s. Anyway, it was a hot summer night, and the first evening class had just ended, so there were a fair amount of people in the front area of the dojo. In walks this scraggly looking guy and stands in the middle of the waiting area. One of the senior students walks up to him and says "can I help you?" The guy promptly sticks his fists down in front of him, does a bow vis-a-vis "Karate Kid style," and says in a booming voice "I was wondering if you needed any more instructors!" The whole dojo goes silent. The senior student pauses, then says, "no thanks, we're covered." Said scruffy guy bows again, says "Thank you!" and walks out. The senior student shakes his head and says "I knew we were too close to the street here."
    Robert Cronin

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